my sanity

return me my sanity.
crap paper today.
i officially declare that the whole course test screwed me up.
sigh.
today the written paper. i feel like a total failure.
stared at the question paper for half an hour and still cant figure out what to write.
man. i am so useless. why am i such a loser?
i totally can forget about my dream already. one interview and one written test messed the whole thing up.
i dont know how to describe the way i feel now.
i feel as if i need to cry. to let the feelings drain out of me.
yet. i cant seem to cry?

after the whole 1 hr 15 mins thing. everyone was asking. so how was it? how much did you write? what did you write about?
those i knew at least managed 4 pages. and me? i can barely do 2. what the hell is that la?
they had a nice structure for the essay. thesis? introduction? mine is one huge whole chunk of mess.
i totally forgot clean about essay writing skills. i totally forgot how my brain thinks of sensible things. goodness gracious. what rubbish.

well. i can say aloha to my second choice course soon.
whatever.

now i am in the mood to do everything.
good or bad?
i just gorged myself with a huge piece of chocolate cream cake, 2 slices of hawaiian pizza from the one and only pizza hut and one strawberry yan yan biscuits.
and i still feel like eating.
i feel like going out to shop now.
i feel like having rain run down on me until i am drenched.
i feel like playing the guitar to brush up my skills for the coming performance cos i am the lousiest among the whole alumni batch.
i feel like just killing myself cos i ruined my lifetime dream with my crappy hands, brains and mouth.
i feel like sleeping forever.

gibberish

today is the day.
interview.
sigh. university life gonna really be hell.
at least that's one thing i expect for now.
walking around the campus gonna be a tough job.
i'm one with poor navigation skills.
a big campus is a killer.

went down for interview today and i was staring so closely at the map. following it ever so earnestly.
reached there super early. 25 minutes before the time they stated simply cos i was so scared i was late. i'm sure you call that late.
sigh. they havent even finished with setting up the laptops. so had to sit there and wait to register.
waiting is horrid. waiting always makes people freak out. yes.
while waiting i can almost feel my legs go wobbly.
sigh. sigh. stressed.

anyway. then had to walk through a long corridor of rooms before i got to the room that i'm supposed to go to. faint faint.
super stressing. sigh.
and in the end.
the interviewers were rather nice i must say. at least nicer than i expected.
cos i thought way too worse. i'm forever negative. so well.
grill grill. damn sad.
i'm so screwed this time.
they posted hypothetical questions. yea. so they gave me a situation. and ask me to give my opinion on the matter. sigh. i am. so so so so so so so so dead this time.
there goes my dream.
i smashed it with my own hands. hmm. should i say i smashed it with my mouth. shooting gibberish out of them. sigh.
at least i think i really screwed this up. cos it's not that good. sigh. sigh.
not cut out for this. seriously.
cos. imagine i cant even take this interview properly. what more the requirements of the job in the future?

sigh.
written test tmr. can i not go? i am dead anyway already.
do i need to go for that written test to stab myself again?
sigh sigh.
how. sad. how. very. sad.

why cant i be born smart? i want to be a genius.
goodness.
tmr. i need to survive tmr. tmr tmr tmr. argh.

i think i gonna have another sleepless night.
so damn stressed last night. cant really get much sleep.
sigh. of all things to choose. i choose to torture myself with this rubbish.
jerk. me. trash. me.

after interview went jp for a while.
first time trying mc cafe.
i still like coffee bean drinks. although more ex.
going to be another boring day.
just shoot me dead.

endless road

The truth is tearing up my heart
I can't recognize this place
The endless road without a stop sign
Can't even find a stranger this time

Why am i still holding back my tears
In this loneliness there's nothing to fear
Every chord still seems a wonder
How we could be together
Every time i ask if this would be the last

Why am i still talking to myself
Hoping you will have the keys to my cell
Every song might calm the weather but it just draws me deeper
How do i get out of this I think I never will

A crystal forming in the eye
Maybe this would be the last
The winding pathdown my face
Till I begin to taste the bitterness inside

an english song sang by lin jun jie in his second album. happened to listen to it. and i thought the lyrics are rather nice.

happy birthday, my saints

yes. today is the birthday of 2 very nice people that happily got into my life.

i decided to separate this from my daily entry cos i usually have very upsetting things to say.
this is to be different.

happy birthday to my dearest sister. 21. moving on to another stage in life.
thanks for being such a wonderful sister. you'll always be. before today and after today.
everyday.
loveable, pretty, caring, thoughtful, generous. all those wonder traits that you possess.
keep them all with you. stay that way. no matter how tough the going gets.
those characters that are purely you will stay with you. :)
a very happy happy happy birthday to you.
smile. today is your special day.

also.

happy birthday to my buddy. teeseng. most probably wont be reading my blog.
but it's evidence that i didnt forget his birthday.
something that i can use to exchange for my bday gift.
haha. ok. i am bad.
at least i know i cant forget his bday.
it's afterall the same day as my sister. sigh.
want to forget also cannot.
thanks for being a wonderful friend! happy birthday.

wrong?

was i wrong? to take up that gamble. sigh.
sis, ps, whoever that understands, is it wrong of me?
is it me trying to be funny?
is it too silly to cast a decision based on a box of biscuits?
is it wrong to make such a bet? and treating the answer as true?

think i'm taking things too lightly?
i dont want to explain anymore.
what i explain will not be understood anyway.
taking things lightly doesnt mean taking things easily.
not that it's easy to get on with deciding.
whatever.

i am sick now. i dont want to think anymore.
to think that i actually am down with flu again today.
just when i am supposed to be preparing for the big day.
friday and saturday.
i hope i live till then to get pass.
i am in need of the time to prepare. to focus.
i want to think of nothing else but stay focus on what needs to be done.

sick. stressed. whatever it is.
i need some strength. i need some help.
whatever. i'll soon be dead anyway.

gamble

today. i took a gamble. a gamble with fate.
some things. i took long to decide. today. i thought that i should come to a decision.
i was at the library at first. after that went to the ntuc nearby. cos i had a cravings for chips and decided to get myself one packet.
so what i gambled on was a box of pizza biscuits. it just came into my mind. the pizza biscuits that i like. and i usually can get it at cold storage. i dont know about ntuc. so i took the gamble.
i told myself. if i can find that box of biscuits among the shelves that i go through. my decision would be yes.
otherwise, no would be the answer.
in the end, the conclusion. the answer was no.

how silly i was. isnt it so? how cheap. i almost didnt want to believe that the decision have to be no. i actually went through the shelves again. still, the result was the same.
no. no. no.
no matter how hard i tried to convince myself it was a silly game. a bet made was a bet made.
in the end, i decided no.

i dont know. but i actually believe in fate.
to me, i have this idea that in this world, everything is predestined.
having come to this world, plans have been made for each and every one of us.
to think i actually took the gamble so seriously. at times, i wonder why i am like that.
i hate to be so persistent in things.
i hate to sound cliche.
i hate to seem so old-fashioned in my way of thinking.
i hate to be indecisive.
i hate to have so many things that i dont know.

sigh. i only know.
coming to a decision, letting go, facing facts.
they all take courage. courage that i am learning to take up.
it's tearing me up. i have nvr known what it is like. to think one way. yet choose another.
am i fickle?
i'm indecisive.
simply cos i am indecisive. most probably choosing no is the best answer to things.

the tv show i am watching now have a background sound.
"follow your heart, follow your dreams..."
can i really do that?

sigh. i also cant really figure out what i am saying.
confused. lost. tired.

sorry. for being indecisive. sorry.

i feel like going out. somewhere. escaping.
feel like going to the beach. so long. since i ever let myself feel the sea breeze.
feel like going on a holiday. somewhere till i can really find peace in my heart.

officially broke

i've got a declaration to make.
i'm now officially broke. sigh. i spent too much.
now, i have to freeze the rest of my pay. gonna have to survive on 30 bucks for the rest of the week until may starts. this means. i cant go out shopping anymore.

but well. not shopping is no big deal.
this week i wouldnt have the time to shop anyway. interview and written test coming up on friday and saturday. bless me. i hope things will go on fine. i'm still unprepared.
suddenly, i realised. why. that's the hardest question to answer. i havent really tried to ask why. cos there's so many whys that i cannot find answers to. i have often asked myself. why. why i want to choose sthg as my ambition. i've nvr managed to find the answers. why i feel this way. i also nvr realised the reason to it. why i choose to certain things. not only others are puzzled, i am puzzled too.
so i'm still trying to figure out certain things. things that i want to be sure of myself too. and of course, i am trying to fill up that form so that i am ready for interview. they sure will ask me why. sigh. this world should just get rid of the word why.

today. went library.
was walking to the library from home.
almost sparained my left ankle while walking. how silly. i was in track shoes for goodness sake.
see how clumsy i can be? lucky i caught hold of the railings at the side. or else i would fall right into the road.
phew, didnt hurt myself. just a sudden pain.
stayed at the library for 2 hours only. didnt really manage to do much. sigh. i am running out of time to prepare. and yet. cos i wanted to sleep more. i didnt have enough time to study. hmm. stupid me.
walked home from library.
almost spained my right ankle while walking. yes. again. but just the other leg. sigh.
walking on the pavement then suddenly. pain again. but this time no railings to hold on to.
but. i'm ok. it always happen. i am just so clumsy. imagine what haps if i were wearing heels. sigh. that's hopeless.

intend to go library again tmr. stressed over friday. sigh. i need to work very very hard.
this time. it's do or die.

worn out

really worn out. i'm tired.

morning went for "hi-tea" gathering held by nbs in an attempt to rope students into ntu accountancy. saw quite a handful of people that i know. yeap. i dont think i am the target of their talk. their main purpose was to deter people from choosing accountancy from other universities. i, however, arent really considering other unis. instead. i am thinking of the courses to take. yea. so thought of a few stuff. now wondering if i should just stay in hostel for year one since it seems quite fun and it'll be a chance to gain some independence after being such a protected child for so long. well. that's sthg unconfirmed as yet.

after that session, met ps at suntec. had lunch that the food court. wasnt that fantastic but it was ok. after that cab down for audition. sigh. a waste of time. of course never get through. haha. end up cab to town after hours of waiting. then. went to shop around orchard. spent quite a fair bit. forgot to bring cash out so end up have to use my atm card. sigh. money gone.

spent on food. spent on taking passport photo for coming interview. spent on a fox tee. finally i buy a new top. i feel a serious lack of tops. just seems as if i keep wearing the same old one again and again.

now back at home and i am tired. still have to read up for coming interview. can i choose to slack? i want to stay at home and shake legs. someone please adopt me?

nerd

bought nerds yesterday and i was telling ps. if i were to wear specs, i can help them promote the sweet with a caption going "nerds, for nerds like me!" yeap. then today. i shared the sweets with my sis. haha. i told her what i said. my mum was like who say who can do a commercial. i was saying i said that myself. and for a moment i realised i was super thick-skinned.

anyway. today is a rather nice saturday. went to jasmine's house for guitar prac today. was like very sleepy cos i slept late the day before and work worn me out somehow. but end up nvr sleep cos there's a pet dog that she owns. and. i for one. really have a natural instinct to avoid one at all cost. i was on the bus and received words that she owns a pet dog. yes it slipped my mind to ask before i go. i was like. please keep your dog away from me. at least make sure it doesnt run around. so. hmm. it seems she wasnt quite convinced by my words. i was in the house and i made sure that i was far from the dog. she actually carried the dog and tried to come nearer. and i screamed. being in the choir sure meant that my vocals can work anytime i want them to. i screamed. yes i did. right early in the morning. around 9 am. i screamed. everyone was like stunned. after that went shhhh. then jas backed off. haha. see how murderous a step can be? everyone finally got a chance to hear me scream.

after that went home for tuition. nothing much. except. we had a 2 weeks break. the little princess is still as adorable. and everything went on fine.

after that waited for mum to come home from work and then made a trip to my grandmother's place. yes. had a really good dinner. mum nvr fails to satisfy my hunger with her culinary skills. i love that. was so full. i realised that nowadays. maybe cos of my mood swings. the way i eat is horrid. i eat till i am bloated. yes. bloated. i can have one meal a day but it sure makes me bloated. and i'll feel horrible terrible in the stomach for hours after the meal. hmmm. sounds as if i am torturing myself.

after dinner i slept. crap. simply cos at my grandmother's place it's so quiet. it didnt used to be like that. time passes and things change. indeed how true. it used to be very crowded on saturdays. the cousins will be down. and we'll all go down to play. at the space near the playground. walk to the 7-11 nearby buy a large slurpee and share among ourselves. all those days. today was so quiet. there was only sis and me. sis bought her hw to do cos she has a test coming. so i was left to watch tv alone. and seriously. i adore scv now. the normal channels are a bore. i fell asleep while watching tv la. then end up slept for an hour or so with my contact lens on. woke up having blood-shot eyes. luckily it didnt hurt.

after that stayed a while then go home le. on the way back. was chatting with sis and we discussed how good it is to be a nerd. cos i was telling her weekends are boring. and a nerd wouldnt find weekends boring. cos a real nerd will only study and weekends can be spent with notes, hw. and even if a nerd finishes all the hw and have gone through all the notes, there is always a library with a collection of book that just seems impossible to finish. conclusion: i rather be a nerd. haha. then i wouldnt find my days passing as if it's a real chore. hmm. any other people who finds our way of thinking rather sound? haha. want to be a nerd? join the club.

.smoke.

today supposed to go kbox with ps and yvonne. in the end didnt go cos yvonne didnt wake up on time. so ps and me had lunch at mos burger. slowly becoming a fan of mos burger. it's one of the fast food outlets that i frequent more these days. yeap.

after we ate, went to specialist centre. wah. was finding our way to the washroom when the corridor smelt so strongly of cigarette smoke. sry. i am one who really cant tolerate it. ps was saying it can be worse than that in clubs. haha. i can forget about going to such places then. i will rather miss out the fun than choke myself with those smells that i really cant stand. i dont know. i just cant. sigh. useless isnt it?

after that went og. after that met yvonne at mrt. then went heeren's. then they went eating at cineleisure. i let for work.

didnt buy anything today. only spent money on eating. haha. pigging out like mad maybe.

worked today. very tired. shant talk much. i hope i'll have an enjoyable weekend.

found out that the anime, full metal alchemist, also very nice. yeap. new thing to get myself hooked on. and scv might simply replay all those animes that i missed. hehe. good news. oh i'm gonna enjoy myself.

zhien

[吴克群]

一分钟唱阿杜的声音
就算花心你都会变痴情
你不在我学谁飙高音
周杰伦的歌一放大家都开心

刘德华愈唱会愈伤心
不如来首 one night in北京
这些只是凡人的歌曲
我只不过想唱首歌给你听
只是因为你 babe~~

我只不过想唱歌给你听用我的声音
一首歌只是希望你能听得进去
我只不过想唱歌给你听谁
给我回应拍拍手切歌之后下一个继续
才发现我不是陈奕迅

唱阿杜唱到沙哑没力
费玉清你家人最爱听
我可以做你的点唱机
只是希望你说一句 i believe
只想告诉你 babe~~

我只不过想唱歌给你听用尽我全力
一首歌只是希望能够让你动心
我只不过想唱歌给你听就算没回应没关系
我会唱完这最后一句
我知道我不是陈奕迅
我的名字叫做吴克群

this is the lyrics to the song titled as above. it is titled after the singer's name himself. i was listening to the song and i found it really interesting.

was listening to it quite a few times and i have some thoughts about this. (told you i think too much...)

anyway. somehow, i thought of some stuff. maybe it's i think too much. but well. here's what i have thought about as i listen to this song. more often than ever, we, as humans, try to please other people. yes, i think we do. who doesnt want to make a good impression? at least i think that we try to go according to the likes of other people. we "imitate" to create images to the people around us in order to leave good impressions and gain their likings. yet. deep inside. we can find it tiring to make a conscious effort to please. somehow, i think the chorus expresses how much one sometimes like to express ourselves the way we really are. it doesnt seem easy, that's all.

hmm. i emphasize again that it's my personal opinion. "we" mean no harm to point out to people. it's my general opinion. there might be people who beg to differ. but well that's what i infer and think. maybe i am wrong. maybe i just think too much.

nonetheless, an interesting song.

my dream awaits me

good news today. received news from nus. finally. some news. why is it that they always give me short notice when it comes to interview and written test? ok. i am shortlisted. that's good news. really. i am excited. happy. and everything. it's a dream come true. a really nice perfect dream. next friday is the day. in midst of the happiness and excitement, i am still lost. i really dont know. but i am scared. i dont know how i am going to handle the interview and written test. simply because i dont really know what to expect. i really am scared that i'll go there and make a fool out of myself. i really hope things turn out right. i need to really prepare myself. have to get back into mugging mood soon. argh.
please my dear brain. dont fail me.

today is just another peaceful day. i am feeling better. my mood swings like mad. i think i am stressed. there just seems to be so many things revolving around me and i cant seem to handle them all. i am trying to learn to solve problems on my own. cos i think i ought to. having a simple day is good maybe. although it means i have time and i'll end up thinking a lot and becoming more confused. but i grow more sensible. that's what i think. at least. i am learning to cope with things. to try find answers.

i am slowly getting myself out of a maze. more of getting myself out of a mess.

love? hate?

suddenly recalled something i heard before. dont know from where. maybe television dramas. cant really recall but i just know this sounds familiar to me. love and hate - there is just a fine line between the two. it's easy to love someone and hate that same someone. simply cos you love that someone, you can hate that someone just as much.

i wonder how true this is. but i have nvr ever experienced things like that yet. under what circumstances will love turn to hate? i wonder. maybe cos i am leading a fairly simple life at the moment. there hasnt been situations of extremes loves and hates. of course i have extreme loves and hates for food. for someone? i have yet to go through that. lucky? maybe. i must say so.

can there be a neutral between love and hate? i wonder. again sthg that sounds familiar. if you were to have an utter dislike for somebody, you wouldnt even bother to feel anything about that person. the stage of numbness? is that the neutral standing?

love and hate? is it really so clearly divided by that thin line? i really wonder. cos just like black and white, there are so many grey areas in between. how to make the clear distinction. i really dont know. is it even possible to love someone and hate that person at the same time?

my brain gets more and more confused each time i think. it's slowly becoming illogical. maybe i have too much time. that's why i have time to let things run through my mind and i get bothered when i cant find the answers. yet. i saw sthg hanging on the board above my sister's table. a rather interesting banner that states the reminders to oneself in life. "within you are many answers". why is it then that i have yet to find the answers to so many questions that run through my mind? my mind is working the wrong way?

my brain is splitting. how i wish i cant think. isnt it good to be in a coma? i wonder what state of mind i would land in. but at least it most probably will be dreamland. an imaginary heaven. when my brain splits, will i get split personalities? hmm. prepare for the worse. prepare to see the insane double me. double trouble.

lies and deceptions

getting moody. my thoughts dont seem to be positive at anytime of the day for today. been thinking. in this world, there seem to be so much lies, so much deceptions. i can nvr bring myself to trust. yet. when i feel like trusting, it just goes to show me that in life, people hide and lie and deceive.
self-interest? maybe in this world, we live to benefit ourselves. people lie to get what they want. i would not deny that i havent lied in my whole life. i tell lies. but at least i can say i have yet to lie at the expense of other people. harmless lies i must say. at times, i feel really deceived. i sink into paranoia. thinking. wondering. is this person lying when he/she says this to me? what can i really believe? should i believe? can i believe? the more i think the more confused i get.
why? why is it so hard to find someone. just one. that i can really trust. without fear. without fear of lies, deceptions? i really dont know. if trying to trust means suffering from hurt when the trust is betrayed. i rather i have not tried.
what is one's purpose in life?
is it to seek that one to trust? i am tired of seeking. i have this idea it is so tiring to trust.
is it to climb up the academic ladder to get to a high position in this society? i am tired of climbing. it's forever so hard and stressing.
is it to wait for death? if it is, i am more than ready to die now. really. i felt like i want to die today. really. wonder what got into me. i wont seek death. i havent got that courage back yet. i just felt so useless in this world. nothing that i can do. and i was just not in the right mood. horrible day. pick me up, grim reaper. anytime you are free. please.

today is just a normal day. whole day have been out. woke up rather early. i didnt sleep well at all. i wonder why. sigh. life is horrid. i really hope i can find out why. why i am having such a bad time. at least i feel like i am. really. i woke up so early. i had nothing to do. really. end up i just lie in bed. doing nothing much. i just felt like sleeping forever.

no good news today. that's why there's nothing to make me more positive. the charges are not being neutralised. maybe it's just a passing dark cloud. i am trying to feel better.

i just feel stupid. silly. crappy. unhappy.
it's just so hard to smile. when the whole world seems to be crashing down.

something a little more cheery. just a side-note. something that i heard on the radio with my sis. that made me laugh. the only thing that made me laugh today. tickling can kill. read my younger sis blog for details. in rome, one of the ways to torture the criminals is to tickle them. constant tickling is said to result in death or can drive the criminals crazy. cos tickling will make them laugh and cry and the high frequency of it results is those bad consequences. well. that's something new. i guess i cant tell it in a way to make it funny cos of my mood. the dj did a better job. that's all for the good things. see the ratio?

courage

was thinking today. in life, there are many things that requires a lot of courage to do. come to think of it, i used to be a daredevil.
maybe innocence contributes a lot to courage. or maybe it's ignorance. you wont even think of the consequences. the courage to try might just comes from ignorance.
or maybe it's dependence. i was a spoilt brat when i was young. another way to put it is i am a bully to my schoolmates. no one will dare to lift a finger on me to make me cry cos one thing is i am tough. i am fierce enough to fight back at a young age. no matter what size that person is of. another is that i have my dad to depend on. he's always around to help. he'll find out who made me cry and make sure that the schoolmate will nvr ever do that again. the support gives courage.
maybe. i dont know why i had the courage to do many things in the past. and i realised i lost it along the way. as i grow up.
maybe i lost it as i lost ignorance. the more i know the more i dare not take a step to do things.
maybe i lost my pillar. dad left. just like that. i am not exactly sure myself.
i am now trying to find back the courage. the courage to do many things in life cos the road ahead is so uncertain. at the rate i am having the lack of courage, the lack of confidence, i can nvr get things done. i am trying to find back the old me. incorporate it into the new me.
maybe that's what they call synergy. the old plus the new. i hope i can really succeed and see amazing effects on myself. that would be some miracle.

and guess what i thought of all those while i was jogging. i realised i am a really deep thinker. i can think of so much things when i jog. lol. how interesting. my mind is some thought generator. i think too much i guess. anway. i went jogging today. six rounds. phew. i manage to do it. last week i didnt manage to complete 6. dont think i can get pass 6 yet. not quite cut out for sports. just making an effort to be fitter. sigh.

anyway. in the morning i went to register with ps. finally. and we wore the same mango skirt that we bought. haha. first time i actually wear skirt of that length. haha. i was laughing all the way la. how stupid. i was telling her. what if i were to stand right in front of the queue. being the next person to register. what if i just say i dont want to register anymore. haha. she'll be so pissed with me. haha. how silly. ok. i can get rather high at times. hmm. after that we went to wait for bus to go to jurong point. saw a dog at the bus stop and i was totally freaked out. i almost wanted to jump up from the seat. well it's an obedient one. haha. didnt come near. or else i will really scream and rather risk running into the road and get knocked down by a car.

went jp for lunch. we were both so hungry la. i had this hotplate hor fun thing. sizzling hot and really nice. had ice kachang too. sadly ps didnt get to see me perform the stunt again. i'll go practice more ok girl? then next time wont fail liao. then we went to get choc from ntuc. haha. kinder bueno. love it. after that shopped around. didnt buy anything. haha. today nvr spent much. only spent on food. slightly around 10 bah. haha. i am a horrible eater. cos after shopping around we went to mos burger for fries and i had coffee milkshake. haha. yeap. after that went back home for tuition.

basically nothing much for my day. but i am super happy. finally got letter from ntu. yeap. yay. course acceptance. woohoo. and i've got a bursary for my first year studies if i were to accept the course. woah. i am so happy. now waiting for nus. once they send me another letter i can be so happy that i fly into the sky! wah. happy girl happy girl.

without you

without you. a nice song by kimberly locke and clay aiken. sigh. if only i can sing as beautifully. it would be a lovely dream. imagine how nice it would be to sound like a nightingale. hmmm.

ok. i went kbox with ps again today. yeap. again. it's so funny. gosh. we just went last tues. and we were back at the same place. less than a week later. haha. those staff if they can recognise us will most probably think we are some weirdos. haha. yep. so crazy on our part.

lunch was good. some fried chicken lunch set. haha. see the pic below. really quite tasty but last week's was better.

yeap. fun. we sang a lot. although at some point we were going off tune. haha. how rare. maybe. haha.

after that went shopping again. gosh i am spending a lot. got myself a white top from giordano. cos they were having some offer at certain outlets. and i kind of liked that white top. haha. no harm getting one. it just burns a hole in my pocket. haha. after that went to mango at centre point. got myself another skirt. gosh. haha. i am buying clothes like mad. haha. yeap. so spent quite a fair bit today.

after that walked to taka for haagen dazs ice-cream. haha. then went home. tutor. yeap. a monday. quite nice start. hope this week will be a good one. tmr going out with ps again!

knock out

hmm. was on my way home from work on the bus today. saw this almost drunk guy sitting opposite me. he was with another lady. then. for some moment in the bus journey. he suddenly raised his voice and sprouted nonsense. at least i didnt quite get what he said. i gave that "what the hell" look. then i looked at the expression on the lady's face. she was so embarrassed. i think if i were her i would want to just get off the bus and pretend i dont know that guy. sigh.

was thinking what would happen if i were to drink. turned 18 already and i havent drank a drop. i wonder what's going to happen if i were to try. i dare not. cos the scene on the bus was something i totally detest. i cant imagine myself behaving like that if i were to get drunk. i always have this idea that i can get knocked out simply by a small amount of alcoholic beverage. sigh. anyway. i dont think it's good to drink. one way to destress some may say. but a personal opinion.

say i am way too conservative. i dont really care. i hate to see people smoke. i hate to see people drunk. hmm. i can just stay away from those stuff without those educational talks they hold. hmm.

work today. still ok. quite slack. i am not doing much. supposed to do washing today cos there is lack of people. however, end up i still didnt do cos someone beat me to it. argh. years since i ever get to wash things at work la. i only stand at the counter. gosh. it's boring.

knock me out. life is so boring and argh. i am not that happy at times. still.

vain pot

sigh. i am becoming a bimbo soon. an ugly one somemore. that means i am slowly turning into a stupid ugly girl. argh. damn it. first thing, my intellectual capacity is gradually shrinking. so i am getting closer to becoming one stupid girl. next thing, i am shopping a lot. damn. will elaborate later. keep buying clothes. eeks.

today had 4f gathering. so once in a life time thing. the last time i went for a gathering was 31 dec 2004. they had another gathering some time back in feb if i am not wrong but i was working and so gave it a miss. how nice. although there were just some of us. 5 to be exact. haha. cos the guys are striked off the list since they are stuck at ns. some of the girls were busy.

anyway. we had dim sum at outram park that side. took a long walk before we actually got to that place. cos we werent familiar with the area. but gave us a chance to chat during the walk so it's good too. we had lots to catch up with.
the dim sum was good. haha. red star restaurant or sthg. delicious. first time i ate so much for breakfast. omg. fried wanton with delicious prawns inside. totally awesome egg tarts. droolicious chee chong fun with prawns inside. not to forget the char siew and the har gao. omg. totally fantastic. dim sum is so good. haha. the thing is i am a person who is picky about food so there are still loads that i didnt try. haha.
we just ordered and ordered. lol. end up paying 13 bucks or so per person. quite ok i think. cos after that we didnt take lunch also. so for 2 meals. and such nice food. hmmm.
the only thing is staff arent exactly those who you see in restaurants in town. the service. i shant really comment. ok. and there is no menu. which is really funny cos we are so used to having one. and we were at a loss what to pick. haha. interesting experience.

after that we went to walk around chinatown there. looked at clothes at some places. ok. of course not those for people that are older. went around those giordano, hang ten places there. went to og. giordano there was having a 20% off sale or sthg. so i end up getting 2 tops. one spag one v neck. the spag to be worn inside the v neck top. lol. crap. spent quite a fair bit of money but still ok cos it's already considered ok for price of lycra tops. get what i mean when i splurge? i am buying things. argh. ahhhh.

i am thinking of getting my hair done cos i am beginning to find it messy. argh. i am becoming a vain pot. argh. seems like no point being one cos i am ugly enough. it doesnt really help much. arghhh. eeks. damn. freak. need to go to beijing 101 or yunam hair centre to help speed up hair growth soon le la. i am pissed. i want to change hairstyle also hard cos my hair is growing at a freakingly slow speed. lol.

i am trying to also save up to invest in contact lenses. omg. that i still havent really decided. that can come later. haha. i still have one last pair of contacts now. lol. it's silly. argh. i am beginning to really sound like some super vain ugly idiot. gosh.

tuition got cancelled. was out then already. end up shopping as mentioned just now. was supposed to have guitar practice today at that tuition time. i told them i got tuition and so cant go for practice. end up tuition cancelled. i was still outside. need to get home and get guitar and go for prac if i want. of course the lazy me decided that i shall not rush. haha. my friend ask me now about tutoring and mentioned about the guitar thing. sigh. haha. i am some stupid person. already so retarded at playing still didnt make effort to rush down and practice. sigh.

after that went home. online a while. then after that rushed off to grandma's house. cos celebrating her birthday today. dinner was buffet. and i ate a lot again. gosh. haha. was a little bored initially. cos there is nothing on tv and the comp there the male cousins were playing sthg i dont have any idea of. haha. after that jinhong showed us some video of his fishing trip. had a good time laughing. haha. an eye-opener. then chat around. made lots of noise. haha. so it was still quite fun. took some pics which i will upload later. sigh. not much energy left to do much.

was on the bus back home and i was so tired that i dozed off and almost fell off the seat. gosh. how silly. haha.

ok. gonna have to get sleep. i am tired. need to really rest cos tmr will have to work for 9 hours. i hope i can take it without dozing off while standing. i am beginning to have weird stunts like that already. good luck to me.

.f.r.i.e.n.d.s.

took this off my friend's blog. sry. haha. i just thought of doing this, my friend.

"friends.
i have little.
five fingers are more than enough for the number to be displayed.
but yes, when you meet the really good friends
the ones who really understand and appreciate you,
so what if you may only have one or two?
they are enough."

indeed. i have to agree. i find myself in such a situation too. i know of few people to really make up friends. friends whom i trust, can share my joy and my pain with.

i once heard of one such saying. by the time you die, you are able to name out 5 people whom you have regarded as real friends, you are one of the luckiest people who have ever lived on this earth. i have always believe in this saying.

i know of many people. acquaintance to be specific. there are a handful of people who i know of that i can talk to. i can ask to go out with. i can discuss certain issues with. issues such as school, work. nothing really that emotional and deep within me. i hate to have to say this but i know the way i treat this group of people i know. indeed they are a bunch of caring people. indeed they are really fun people to be with. indeed they have brightened up my day most of the time. i am thankful for that. but sadly, i am one who doesnt trust easily. or should i say. i dont open up to them about most things.

i find myself double-faced at times. and i hate that. i hate to be like that. cos it's really upsetting to have to lead such a life. there is a me that i hide from many. there is a me that i dont show to many people. what most people see me on the surface. there is a different me. in fact very different i must say.

still. i appreciate the fact that i have a few people that i really identify as my friends. a big thank you. you all should know who you are. you all are those who have seen the me. the old me. the new me. the bad me. the good me. i am really glad that there's you people around when the chips are down. you people are the one who understands why i react to certain things in a certain way. you people are the one whom i dont not have to say a lot to but can still read my mind like a book. you people are the one who can sit beside me silently and understand what goes on between us even when words arent coming out of our mouths.

friendship. a relationship that is fragile. some of you out there might want to ponder over this issue about friends, as i have over my friend's reflections in her blog. think about the real friends that you are able to count. have you reached 5? lucky you. try 10 maybe? i am still on my quest to search for those who can make up part of the 5.

reason

there is always a reason behind everything. whatever it is.

today i realised there is one particular reason why i am borned to be a human. the thing is i cant be a fish. i cant swim. went swimming with ps today. we went near noon time. was thinking that the weather will be fine so we can get a good tan also. end up. we were swimming for only around 15 minutes or so and it began to drizzle. how stupid. only managed to swim a few laps within that time. omg. ok. i am lousy at swimming. first thing is i totally embarrassed myself when i displayed my so-called breast-stroke to ps. haha. now she knows what i mean by i cant do breast-stroke. haha. second thing is the only free-style that i know is so sucky. argh. i cant even do one lap without stopping. sob sob. first time i ever try to swim laps. usually really play with water and swim widths instead of lengths of the pool. aiyo. super cannot make it. argh. and i swim really slowly. aaaahhh. what the. nvr mind.

the rain stopped after some time and we continued swimming. end up i did 9 and a half laps that's all. how sad. but my left arm was kind of pain after that already. maybe i did wrongly. cos it kind of really hurt till i dont want to tahan and swim anymore le. sigh. must improve myself le. then after that just sat at the poolside and got ourselves tanned. we were chatting there. ps commented that we might have scared those guys away with our voices. cos we were chatting and chatting. haha. well. that i'm not sure. ask them for the answer maybe.

after that had a really great lunch at ps' house. blessing. her mum is fantastic at cooking. wah. i was so satisfied with the meal. haha. to the extent that i didnt bother to eat much during dinner at work. haha. ps say i was picky so end up like only left with some ingredients and i dumped the rest into her bowl. lol. bad habit that she's the only friend to tolerate that. thanks girl. haha. but with lesser ingredients cos of my personal choice the noodles was still superb! yay. after that watched jay chou's mv! haha. drools. (oh damn. this is so bimbo. not me not me!)

after that walked back home and got ready to go work. the rain got heavier as i was walking back home. sigh. bully me. i think the exercise was good although i swam so little laps. i was feeling so tired that i slept on the bus while going to work. even dropped my water bottle. embarrassing. poor bottle of mine. another dent. sry. i am a bad owner but dont run away please. then i decided to keep it in my bag before more such stunts happen. slept on. zzz. was almost reaching and i was still sleeping. if not for a phone call. i would have slept on.

whole day wait for phone call. set my phone on loud mode. sigh. no luck la. ps. the person totally forgot about me. haha. left me off the list. so bad. i dont want to wait le la. haha. i heck le. now very tired. i want to sleep.

tmr going to have an eventful day and i am so so so happy.

huge sigh

the missed call wasnt what i was waiting for. not fair! haha. that person called ps nvr call me!
@#!%#!%@!@$@$&^%#%
why can like that?!?!?! (whines whines whines)

ok that's very unlike me. sigh. ya. end up found out who called me. after ps told me to call back.

sigh. back to the sighing mood. aiyo. my mood swings are terrible now. eeks.

anyway. end up calling teeseng still. lol. cos after that i was so bored and ya. i end up didnt go back to sleep more. the flu got better. was laughing like mad when talking to him. so long nvr see him lo. haha. i can imagine seeing charcoal next time liao. he's already dark enough. haha. army's going to make him darker. ok. enough said about my buddy. but he's really funny. at least i was laughing like mad. not that bored. he sounds like having fun. sigh. i want to go army also le. haha. at least can be fit fit. no need rot at home and feel like a lump of lard. they should let the guys experience staying at home rotting lor. i hate that feeling. like very useless like that. sigh. huge sigh. (see?! my mood swings again. argh!)

swimming tmr with ps. i hope i am still good at it. sigh. so long nvr seriously swim. usually is play with water. lol. the little child in me. hmm. let's pray for a good day ahead.

one missed call

sigh. i am sick today. as usual. down with flu. but today. maybe cos of my mood also. i feel like i need to rest. i went to sleep after tutoring. was holding the phone in my hand before i went to sleep. sigh. cos waiting for call. ps say the person might call. and so i slept with the phone in my hand. yet. i still had a missed call. i woke up 10 minutes after that call had been made. sigh. useless. phone in my hand in loud mode with vibration and i can still miss the call. is it just me or is it cos i am sick. argh. got number to call back but i am not one who likes to call back to a number whom i dont even know who is over at the other end. cos it's dumb to just say "hello. who called?". that's my opinion. sigh. wait again tmr? i'll be working then. sigh. no luck.

i still arent feeling a lot better after sleeping. i gonna sleep more. sigh. intend to call teeseng later. haha. just for fun. since he's still in camp and i thought it would be interesting to call and try and be funny. i am so bored. but argh. i might just end up sleeping past that time. at first still got the mood to play around. but now. what can a sick person do. i better sign a peace treaty with the flu bug soon. it is forever declaring war on me over years and i totally have no resources to fight against it. hmm. i should get to writing one soon.

it's just another thursday and i am quietly at home. well. time to rest.

my brain's gender?!

Your Brain is 80.00% Female, 20.00% Male

Your brain leans female You think with your heart, not your head Sweet and considerate, you are a giver But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!

What Gender Is Your Brain?

out of boredom i did this. i wonder how true this is. hmm.

nihongo

sigh. japanese. sthg that i have left aside and is now so out-of-touch with. finally today i got down to reading my textbook. only at lesson one. moving very slowly. i realised i forgot so much. sigh. how useless. i need to buck up more. going to refresh my memory on the language. making rather good use of my time now. that's a good sign. life's back to normal i guess. i am moving on each day.

thoughts do come into my mind but i am better at handling things now. straightened out most of my thoughts. i am glad. many things that i am come to realise after a hard fall. learning things in life and slowly moving on. i am clearer of what i want. i am glad.

nothing much for today cos just purely tutoring. boring day but smooth-flowing i must say.

my tuesday

a well-spent tuesday. i am getting better. picking up really fast. woot. i am a stronger person now i guess. maybe it's just purely mood swings la. i am rather temperamental these days.

i didnt cry today. so that's a good sign. of course there are times when i felt like crying. but i manage to hold back the tears. i am going to be a happier person. that's my resolution.

ya. and so today i enjoyed myself. was out with ps. we went kbox-ing. at cineleisure. wah. our first time going kbox together. we've got lots of chances to sing together anytime last time so kbox wasnt sthg we do together. at first we planned to go catch a movie. but end up we cant find nice ones that appeal to us. so. we went to kbox! sang stefanie sun's songs like crazy and of course we were enjoying ourselves watching jay chou's mtv. of course we sang other songs. bu neng cheng shou de gan dong, yi shi de mei hao... loads of chinese songs. we enjoyed ourselves. at least i did. and i think ps did too. since we both love to sing so much. ya. lunch was a japanese bento. i had thai fish bento. hmm. at least i think it's called that. they had limited choice so i was stuck with that. i didnt even dip the fish into that thai-style sauce cos i'll nvr take spicy stuff. yup. so lunch was good too. we were climbing everywhere. lol. first time i am so crazy in kbox. i usually sit down. today i was like lazing around and sometimes will just stand and lean against the wall. bleh. rubbish la.

after that we went to shop around town. ya. walked around town. saw some denim skirts at this fashion but didnt bother to really try them out. then walked around paragon. wah. damn high class place. and i cant seem to remember who i went paragon with before. i was telling ps that i went in armani exchange before when i came paragon some time before. yet i cant remember who i was with. well. that's not the point. but paragon seems really like some high-class quiet shopping place. no little children running around. haha.

then we even went to mango at taka. ps wanted to find a top that she found nice. end up cant find it. so we went isetan at wistma atria where there's a mango outlet. end up i bought a skirt for 49 bucks. wah. my first time buying mango apparel. ya. and first time i buy a skirt that's short. hmm. at least i find it short. haha. gosh. splurge alert. at first ps cant get an undefected same skirt at the wistma outlet and she looked so sad. after that i bought for myself it. we got the people to check out the one at shaw house. then they say got stock! hurray. ok. then i had to run off for tuition and so ps went alone to shaw house. yeap. end up she got the skirt too! so now we both have an identical denim-looking cotton-made skirt from mango. haha. she definitely looks better than me in it. but well. we liked what we got. so that's good.

after that tutored. came back home and rest a while before jogging. only managed 4.5 rounds and end up having stitch. sigh. only missed last week's jog and my stamina has gone down. need to buck up more for next week.

well that's basically my tuesday. i think it went along great. thanks ps for keeping me company. i hope you enjoyed your offday. thanks a lot for being such a wonderful friend and a great shopping pal!

happy birthday my sister

just before today end. i wished you happy birthday in person. i sms-ed you right in front of you to wish you happy birthday. so i should also wish you happy birthday in my blog.

happy birthday my dearest mei! seventeen le wor. must enjoy yourself during this time. hope you really enjoyed yourself today. i still owe you a present. cos you havent made up your mind on what you want. we'll go shop when you have time. you must tell me soon ah. or else i seem to owe everyone present. haha.

so...

a very happy happy happy happy happy birthday to you!

no longer in control

i realised i am no longer in control. no longer in control of my tears. today. somehow, i'll tear. on and off. i cant cry for long. i am not some person that cries out loud for very long. i'll just have tears rolling off my cheeks at times for today. somehow. hard to say the problems that i am facing now cos the thing is i'll start tearing again. i am waiting. for the day i can really share with people this problem without having tears flowing out uncontrolllably. maybe i am too stressed out. maybe.

anyway. being in a bad mood makes me sleep a lot. i slept for very long. 10 hours. ps was saying it's only logical that i sleep a lot. cos i'll be frowning when my mood is down. maybe. i am tired. tired of crying so much. simply cos it's on and off. it's really draining. tired of feeling so sian. tired of being in the mood that i nvr want to do anything. at first i didnt want to sleep. i was awake all the way till 4 am. was with ying as she do her hw and we talked and end up the one that say will stay up went off to sleep. left me alone and so i went to sleep in case my mind wanders off. ya. so i slept.

i dreamt. dreamt of happier things. cos it's really much happier in dreamland. everything seems so wonderful. i didnt want to wake up. cos waking up means i'll cry. cry about the fact that life isnt that happy in reality. cry cos of the problem i have to face now. cry about the fact that my life cant be what i dream to be. cry cos my dream have shattered at the moment i opened my eyes to wake up. ya. i was tearing when i woke again. sigh. i hate this feeling.

i cry on and off and now my eyes hurt. pain. argh. i'll nvr ever want to tear that much anymore. nvr ever. i am bent on getting better. it cant get any worse anyway. so i'll get better. thanks ps for being there. i nvr share with you what i am facing now. but i know you are there and i am so glad you are. having people around that cares is indeed a blessing. i'll count my blessings and i'll dump those troubles aside. even if it takes how much effort to bury things down. i will.

pure stupidity

in life. many people make mistakes. i, of course, am not infallible. i made mistakes so many times. so many times i screw up my life. i messed things up. but one thing i really hate myself for is making the same mistake the second time.

when i was young. i adored watching cartoons. i was so amazed by the fact that superman could fly. and the then silly me was so fascinated that i thought i could possibly be able to fly too. so i climbed up the table in my room and jumped off the table. stretching my hands out front just like superman would pose when he flies. i ended up knocking my head on the metal pole of the triple-decked bed that i shared with my sisters. big bump on the head. i didnt cry. my mum fret over that. rubbed my head. yet. i didnt learn my lesson. when the pain subsided i went to perform the same stunt again. in the end, the same thing happened. i knocked myself again. it was only after that that i gave up. it was then that i faced the fact. the fact that i cannot fly.

this time again. i made another mistake. took a step that ended up the bad way. wasnt what i hoped it would be. whatever it is. i shant go through the details. i am going to hide again. that's the way i settle my life. i hide. way too often. but i get better at it each time. i really think so. whatever it is. i feel sad. i feel like i am being a fool. really. it took me the second time to make such a mistake to realise the fact. the fact that there isnt miracles for me in my life. harsh fact. and i realised that. i always thought miracles might just happen. but it nvr once did for me in my life. now i wouldnt even dare to think that it's possible anymore. i hate to have to face this. i feel like screaming. it's been so long since i last got myself down to some place and scream my hearts out all the pain the problems all these years. i feel like really having a good cry. yet it seems like my tears dry up very fast. i think i already cried enough when dad left. so much that all those tears that are coming out now are so rare. yet. now i really feel like crying.

i feel stupid. once bitten, twice shy. but i usually need to get bitten twice to shy away. to really realise. is it stubborness on my part to always go for the second time still? or is it just pure stupidity on my part?

is there really magic in this world? those childhood fantasies in my life. where have they all gone to? why is it that when i so much want to believe in miracles yet they dont happen? why is it that i always seem to see hope and yet i end up having such a hard fall? why is it so hard to live in this world? why cant i just dream instead of living a nightmare?

tired

another saturday. morning went for guitar prac. this time more people. 7 all in all le. and getting the hang of it. not that rusty le. or either that. i am more used to the songs that we are playing. so whatever it is. i feel that i can play better. although sometimes i think i just go there to make up the number. ya. so at least this time i feel better.

after that went to meet ps at suntec. wah. the bus journey was so long that i coul even doze off holding my guitar on the bus and standing up somemore. sianz. ya. i very tired. was wanting to register for the singing competition. we went to the place. heard some people singing in front of the crowd and then got some camera filming. then i was totally freaked out. then dont know what's going on de. so in the end we walk back to bus-stop. was trying to get bus to orchard. then end up. a little indecisive on our part. we walked back to the registration place. then checked with the information counter if it's a must to sing in front of the crowd. then. say no need. then. me and ps stepped back to discuss a little. then hor. one of those people came over and asked if we are registering. then i was answered. we are still considering. lol. damn. sounds super big shot. goodness. ya. then end up giggling giggling find that thing silly and then just went off. didnt join in the end. lol. stupid. then end up go bus-stop take bus to town. after that wanted to meet yvonne, ps' friend. so we waited while she come and end up having coffee bean. splendid but highly sinful again. took ice blended pure choc. haha. she took the ultimate. after that. her friend came. then decided to have late lunch at nooch. first time there. cant really have much to choose cos supposed to go vegetarian today. so end up. they ate some noodles and i took only some dessert. below are the pics that we took.

this is what i had. mango, glutinous rice with coconut milk. woah. highly sinful. eeks.

this is not me. not me. haha. it's ps. with her some tomyam noodles.

this is ps again. with that 'shocked' expression. cos yvonne took her soup to drink. the cameraman, which is me. too slow to capture that moment. ^^

ok. after that. we walked. and then i went off. they headed for plaza singapura. i just stopped over at mum's workplace. dumped my guitar there and went looking around a while. met sarah while i was buying things. ya. then we chat a little and went separate ways. one of these days must really visit her at rj and then lunch in school canteen cos it's been so long. then after that came home. was so tired that i dozed off on the bus. almost didnt want to get off the stop. then now online. very bored. i am very tired.

now that i'm alone. sad. life's boring again. really had fun when there's people around me. sigh. i am just a sad person. sis, as you say, rest. i guess i might just need that. rest my mind. thinking too much maybe. i wonder. well, no matter what. life goes on.

pricked

sigh. first thing that happened to me when i went to work. stupid. not the first time i got pricked by that darn spring thing that has this silly hook. argh. today's one kind of deep. idiotic. goodness. can feel the sting when running water through. and ya. lucky no need do washing today or else i will cry. pain. sigh. tough luck. hurt physically. haha. not big deal though but i just hate that darn machine. i cant wait. for may to end and work to end.

then end up having a cold. was feeling freaking cold at the hands while at work and then my nose was like argh. flu. sian. i almost wanted to give up and tell the person to let me go home. sigh. i feel so unloved. goodness. it's freaking idiotic to feel so so so sick. maybe it's just i dont want to work. or maybe i am really getting slightly better. cos now i feel way better than just now. sigh. sad life.

sigh. i am feeling low low low. is it purely mood swings i wonder. i feel sian to do much. been listening to the songs i downloaded. i practically dled the whole of lin jun jie's new album except for 2 songs. rather nice to listen to them. the tunes are catchy. and he has a nice voice. nothing else really pleases me other than that. there's nothing else i can really feel happy about. i just feel sian. very sian. downright sian. argh. sigh. life's so sickening.

i need some luck. some chance. some hope. some joy. some.... i dont know. i need loads of things i think.

hurts

truth hurts. just something that came into mind as i was thinking of a title to put. in life, how many times have people try to avoid telling the truth. simply cos they hurt. i have hidden a lot. cos saying them hurts myself. it might most probably hurt others too. others i supposed have done likewise too. but well. what exactly is the truth? i am having rather sad thoughts of life these days. i wonder why. things going on in my mind at times that i can bring to express myself to many. thanks and sorry to those who asked out of concern. i sound depressing at times. i wonder why. i find it hard to even find the root of it. so many things. it's just so hard to express. for me. i hide a lot. i dont know much but to hide them deep in. it's just the way i am. but thanks for asking. i appreciate the concern. and i am trying to look more positively of things.

anyway. today is a day when i really wanted to sleep so much. if not for the fact that i had to get to tuition earlier than other days, i wouldnt even bother to climb out of bed. i dread waking up every day just to face the so-called truth. the reality. if only life's a dream. life can never be a dream cos a dream will be a dream. everything shatters the moment the eyelids flicker and open. i felt totally restless to do anything.

after that met ps. had to settle things with her. then end up walking around town with her. had dinner at scotts then walked around before having fondeau at haagen dazs. first time i had fondeau and it's heavenly. a treat. a sinful treat. a very costly treat too. haha. but well. at least we both enjoyed ourselves. thanks girl. you kept me company. at times having someone around helps to make sure your mind doesnt wander off to think of sad things. end up not going for the seminar that esther asked me to go to. kind of bad to inform her last minute. but sigh. i find it hard to say things again.

i sound like some worry-some creature. i think i am. or maybe it's not just i worry too much. maybe it's just i am running away from so many things. argh. sigh. ah. what other expressions can i have?

life. sigh. no comments.

weariness

in life there are times when i feel so tired. feel like i can have a deep deep sleep. as if i can continue to live in my dream world. no matter how fragmented my dreams can be. living in them seems way easier than being awake. i feel tired. i feel sad. i feel drained. i feel so weary to even lift my cheeks a little to show a smile. i feel so weary to even say what i really feel at times. life's sad. i dont even know if i can think positively of things now. it just takes too much effort.

anyway. today is just yet another day.

went for the interview today. met liyun. primary school friend and it's been 6 yrs i guess that i havent seen her. same. she applied for teaching. and ya. she was just before me. very nice of her to wait for me to end. so end up we left the interview centre together. the interview was ok. the panel of people were friendly. so it was like a chit-chat session. i thought some of my answers sounded way too casual. but i guess it should be ok. at least i didnt exactly speak rubbish. there wasnt questions that i can handle. so it's fine i guess. whether or not it's going to get through i am perfectly fine with it. seriously, to me it doesnt matter that much. i made so much effort to smile that come to think of it. i feel sick at myself. goodness. i dont know. argh. at times i am just so trashy. but well. ended quite properly. got home to take a rest.

after that tutored at ang mo kio. another wednesday. then one of my students pushed back the tuition time and so end up ending at 8.30 pm. the mother was nice and offered to pay for a cab so that i can get home earlier. so ya. i took a cab and got home. that's basically for the day. nothing else to say.

tired. worn out. weary. drained. soon i'll be dead.

qing ming shi jie yu fen fen

cant type in chinese. so ya. i use hanyu pinyin for the title. long time ago since i ever recited that poem. ya. so today is qing ming.

at first thought it was going to be a good day. cos the whole afternoon there wasnt rain. sun sun sun. ya. but it rained later. just went i was getting out of my house. to walk over to the next few blocks to tutor. so it rained and i ran to the block instead of walking. ended tuition and it's still drizzling. dont think i'll go jogging already. cos it's like. wet. and i am lazy to get out of my house now. and my determination of cos is back-sliding.

today is a rather normal day again. slacked at home.

just that the night before. after i went offline. i read a book that i borrowed from the library. a chinese book titled. ai qing qiao qiao ban. haha. stupid la. i spent the night reading and finished it by 4.30 am. quite a slow reader i must say. so ya. i finished it off. tonight i might just finish another. rather nice story. well the ending is a happy one. but the way the author writes is interesting. it's rather silly that i read such books but at times. hmm. people do weird things. so i only slept at 4.30 am. then end up i was awoken by my one of my student's mum who came down to collect sthg she left last week here. ya. so my hair was in a mess. i was having that sleepy look and i simply just passed the file to her looking like some untidy freak. groans. look at the time. i had set the alarm at 11 am and it's not the time yet. haha. i slept less than 7 hours. gee.

then slacked. watched tv. online. blogged. played gb. ah. life's so normal. life's so sad. ya. the rain is making me feel a little crazy. my mood seems low at times. high tide low tide? mood swing? hmm. maybe not. it's just dampened. well at least it isnt a gloomy day. i am still doing fine i suppose.

tomorrow is the interview. i hope everything is fine. i will try do what i can to answer them. what else? i dont know what to expect so i'm just going to face it as it comes. as long as i can speak with sense i should be ok. well that's a challenging task.

- argh -

yesterday finished blogging an entry yet blogger had to encounter some error. so end up. the whole entry is gone. well. i cant really remember the content so ya. i'll just briefly cover what i have written.

4 march 2005
rainy day. poured. so ya. at first intend to go swimming with ps also have to cancel it. sad. lack of exercise. hopefully thursday has a better weather then we can go ahead on that day again.

it rained. and ya. i went out in the rain to try get drench. very silly. very crazy. but end up take so long nvr really get very wet. cos by the time i drag myself to get out to do that silly entic the rain was much lighter already. so end up only my hair and shirt got wet. very cold. cos wind was blowing and so i didnt stand out very long. taking way too long to be totally drenched by the rain. ya. sounds totally like i am some lunatic but i was kind of feeling melancholic. dont know why but just feel like having the rain washing down on me. at first was thinking if it still rains today i'll try get myself totally soaked. but it's like good weather today.

after that i went to the library. walked there while it was drizzling. and the rain got heavier. so end up have to take umbrella out. then read some books in the library. didnt manage to make much notes from the reference books there cos was kind of distracted. just keep wandering off somehow. sigh. in the end borrowed books and then went home to tutor.

will update about today's stuff later today maybe. sigh. i think life's sad.

03.04.05

cant think of a title. so i put today's date. which happens to be a section of a simple arithmetic progression. well that's maths c. ok. i am blabbering nonsense. ya. just occurred to me that it is so when i was working. and have to fill up something with the date.

today i am very very tired. my legs are feeling very sore. had woke up early at 7.15 am. was supposed to wake up at 6 am but i couldnt. so end up rushing to get ready so that i can get out of the house within half an hour. met lindy at bishan at 8.15 am. had agreed to help her out with a old newspaper and clothing and electrical appliances collection activity as part of fund-raising for some youth expedition project which she is part of. ya. so basically i spent 3 hours in the morning together with a bunch of people going around the bishan blocks of flats. climbing up and down the stairs, knocking at people's doors and asking if they have any of the items ready for us to collect. of course. it wasnt a hard time carrying bags of those items cos there really arent much. it's just the climbing of the stairs that's making my legs ache. for the first block that i went to, i actually had to run once up the stairs to the 9th floor cos had to go help lindy get some stuff at the 7th level and the lift cant pack so many of us in. so i took the stairs being impatient to wait. and bishan has this super complex thing such that the common corridors are at certain levels only. and ya. being blur. i actually took the wrong stairs and had to go all the way to the 9th level where the common corridor is. and then get down the right stairs to the 7th level. amazingly, i was a little faster than those who took the lift. haha. but after that i was panting like mad. and ya right now my legs are aching. pain.

then after that still went to work. had to stand again. then i was so much wishing that i get breaks cos that's when i can find place to sit. my legs feel so sore. ya. so it's basically a very tiring day. tiring for my legs. poor legs of mine. too bad. they got themselves a bad owner. i volunteered myself to help out and i opted to work. so well. haha. at least one thing good is even though i feel tired physically. i am basically in a good mood. nothing really upsetting and disturbing. :) that's something to be thankful for.

before work i actually got enough time to shop around so i end up buying a blouse at 59 bucks from g2000. kind of ex. but well. desperate attempt. i cant really find sensible and presentable ones anywhere else cos i dont know where else to get them from. so i more or less settled things. will have to prepare myself for wednesday.

drained

a really booked-up weekend. i have things lined up really properly. totally like not giving myself much breathing space. bad way to start of the first weekend of april but well. nothing's ever expected to be good for me anyway.

so today morning woke up at 6 am or just slightly later. got up and then got ready to go pay respects to my grandparents and my dad since it's going to be qing ming. ya. then uncle had to fetch mum to the workplace first before sending me back. and the way to town was like having traffic jam. so end up i was late to meet the people for guitar practice. end up asking uncle to send me to my friend's place instead. so i went for guitar practice around 10 plus. uncle had like drove around the place so many times just to find the right place. sigh. i wasted his time too.

after guitar rushed back home to tutor. super tired. got back just in time to start getting ready for tutoring. after tutoring went to work. sigh. at work there were moments where i almost dozed off standing. very tired.

tmr going to have to work again. very tired. morning going to meet lindy and help out with some newspaper collecting thing. sigh. hope i can have the energy to go on.

the april's fool big joke

ya. big joke. big time. got a letter from moe. goodness. applied for teaching and got shortlisted. and i need to go for an interview. yes, an interview just to get into a course that's not my first option. in fact it's my last. sigh. and the interview is on next wednesday. i have no formal wear. i think i need to dress up almost like an office lady. but. the thing is. i need to buy. nothing presentable at home at the moment that i can make use of. how about the school uniform? bad try maybe. argh. i'll have to get my shopping done either on monday or tuesday. simply cos i'm booked up with things for the weekend. work work work. argh. what a way to start off april. eeks. yes. i am screwed this time. unprepared. i need to get documents ready. my attire ready. yes. and i plan to get it done on monday by monday. one day settles it all.

now thinking. should i go in contact lens? or specs? specs. i might have to worry that it slips of my nose and it looks totally silly to keep pushing it up during the interview. and i look utterly geeky in specs. hmm. i do look geeky too without maybe. haha. ya. might be good to look geeky cos well they are there looking for teachers. contact lens. if i were to wear them, that means i will have to open my last pair of contact lens that i've bought and i'll need to get them stocked up again. which wasnt part of my plan to. i plan to use new stock for new school term. hmm. and if i want to insist that my plan goes. that means i will be performing at the guitar concert with my specs and during the concert if my specs slips i cant push it up any more cos my hands are on the guitar. can imagine the weird scenario? sigh. what am i to do. friends, advice please? haha.

what am i to prepare? i am totally confused. i am trying not to get entirely stressed out by this. but. i cant help it. argh. gosh.

ok. that's the only joke for this year. kind of good. blessing. it's a blessing. i've got a chance to go for an interview and i am going to learn sthg from it definitely. and it's a blessing that it's the only biggest joke. no one played tricks on me. haha. :)

today quite ok. woke up at 8. kind of early but already half an hour later than the supposed time to be awake. then got ready to go out and meet esther. talked a lot. learnt a lot again. she's a good mentor. after that. she treated me to lunch at fish & co. i had fish and chips. i wonder if it's part of the chef's april fool's joke or it's just his happy day. the serving was damn huge. haha. i had a piece of that fried fish and it was so big that it's out of the plate? erm. a part of it was. and ya. even ordered a set. so it came with the soup of the day and a drink. in the end, i ate most of the fish but i didnt eat the batter part. meaning i only ate the meat by the time it was left to the last bit. i drank only half the bowl of soup. drank only half the drink served. hmmm. both of us should have just shared one meal. haha. we both couldnt finish our meal. wasted food. and the chips served. i only ate less than half of it. so ya. conclusion. we wasted food. ya. so lunch was really filling. end up eating only a little during dinner which is during my break time at work.

work today very slack cos no one around. but still i am tired. afterall woke up early. tmr going to be another early day. and a full day. hope it's really the end of all the april fool's joke and i survive tmr.