truth hurts. just something that came into mind as i was thinking of a title to put. in life, how many times have people try to avoid telling the truth. simply cos they hurt. i have hidden a lot. cos saying them hurts myself. it might most probably hurt others too. others i supposed have done likewise too. but well. what exactly is the truth? i am having rather sad thoughts of life these days. i wonder why. things going on in my mind at times that i can bring to express myself to many. thanks and sorry to those who asked out of concern. i sound depressing at times. i wonder why. i find it hard to even find the root of it. so many things. it's just so hard to express. for me. i hide a lot. i dont know much but to hide them deep in. it's just the way i am. but thanks for asking. i appreciate the concern. and i am trying to look more positively of things.
anyway. today is a day when i really wanted to sleep so much. if not for the fact that i had to get to tuition earlier than other days, i wouldnt even bother to climb out of bed. i dread waking up every day just to face the so-called truth. the reality. if only life's a dream. life can never be a dream cos a dream will be a dream. everything shatters the moment the eyelids flicker and open. i felt totally restless to do anything.
after that met ps. had to settle things with her. then end up walking around town with her. had dinner at scotts then walked around before having fondeau at haagen dazs. first time i had fondeau and it's heavenly. a treat. a sinful treat. a very costly treat too. haha. but well. at least we both enjoyed ourselves. thanks girl. you kept me company. at times having someone around helps to make sure your mind doesnt wander off to think of sad things. end up not going for the seminar that esther asked me to go to. kind of bad to inform her last minute. but sigh. i find it hard to say things again.
i sound like some worry-some creature. i think i am. or maybe it's not just i worry too much. maybe it's just i am running away from so many things. argh. sigh. ah. what other expressions can i have?
life. sigh. no comments.
Friday, April 08, 2005
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
weariness
in life there are times when i feel so tired. feel like i can have a deep deep sleep. as if i can continue to live in my dream world. no matter how fragmented my dreams can be. living in them seems way easier than being awake. i feel tired. i feel sad. i feel drained. i feel so weary to even lift my cheeks a little to show a smile. i feel so weary to even say what i really feel at times. life's sad. i dont even know if i can think positively of things now. it just takes too much effort.
anyway. today is just yet another day.
went for the interview today. met liyun. primary school friend and it's been 6 yrs i guess that i havent seen her. same. she applied for teaching. and ya. she was just before me. very nice of her to wait for me to end. so end up we left the interview centre together. the interview was ok. the panel of people were friendly. so it was like a chit-chat session. i thought some of my answers sounded way too casual. but i guess it should be ok. at least i didnt exactly speak rubbish. there wasnt questions that i can handle. so it's fine i guess. whether or not it's going to get through i am perfectly fine with it. seriously, to me it doesnt matter that much. i made so much effort to smile that come to think of it. i feel sick at myself. goodness. i dont know. argh. at times i am just so trashy. but well. ended quite properly. got home to take a rest.
after that tutored at ang mo kio. another wednesday. then one of my students pushed back the tuition time and so end up ending at 8.30 pm. the mother was nice and offered to pay for a cab so that i can get home earlier. so ya. i took a cab and got home. that's basically for the day. nothing else to say.
tired. worn out. weary. drained. soon i'll be dead.
anyway. today is just yet another day.
went for the interview today. met liyun. primary school friend and it's been 6 yrs i guess that i havent seen her. same. she applied for teaching. and ya. she was just before me. very nice of her to wait for me to end. so end up we left the interview centre together. the interview was ok. the panel of people were friendly. so it was like a chit-chat session. i thought some of my answers sounded way too casual. but i guess it should be ok. at least i didnt exactly speak rubbish. there wasnt questions that i can handle. so it's fine i guess. whether or not it's going to get through i am perfectly fine with it. seriously, to me it doesnt matter that much. i made so much effort to smile that come to think of it. i feel sick at myself. goodness. i dont know. argh. at times i am just so trashy. but well. ended quite properly. got home to take a rest.
after that tutored at ang mo kio. another wednesday. then one of my students pushed back the tuition time and so end up ending at 8.30 pm. the mother was nice and offered to pay for a cab so that i can get home earlier. so ya. i took a cab and got home. that's basically for the day. nothing else to say.
tired. worn out. weary. drained. soon i'll be dead.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
qing ming shi jie yu fen fen
cant type in chinese. so ya. i use hanyu pinyin for the title. long time ago since i ever recited that poem. ya. so today is qing ming.
at first thought it was going to be a good day. cos the whole afternoon there wasnt rain. sun sun sun. ya. but it rained later. just went i was getting out of my house. to walk over to the next few blocks to tutor. so it rained and i ran to the block instead of walking. ended tuition and it's still drizzling. dont think i'll go jogging already. cos it's like. wet. and i am lazy to get out of my house now. and my determination of cos is back-sliding.
today is a rather normal day again. slacked at home.
just that the night before. after i went offline. i read a book that i borrowed from the library. a chinese book titled. ai qing qiao qiao ban. haha. stupid la. i spent the night reading and finished it by 4.30 am. quite a slow reader i must say. so ya. i finished it off. tonight i might just finish another. rather nice story. well the ending is a happy one. but the way the author writes is interesting. it's rather silly that i read such books but at times. hmm. people do weird things. so i only slept at 4.30 am. then end up i was awoken by my one of my student's mum who came down to collect sthg she left last week here. ya. so my hair was in a mess. i was having that sleepy look and i simply just passed the file to her looking like some untidy freak. groans. look at the time. i had set the alarm at 11 am and it's not the time yet. haha. i slept less than 7 hours. gee.
then slacked. watched tv. online. blogged. played gb. ah. life's so normal. life's so sad. ya. the rain is making me feel a little crazy. my mood seems low at times. high tide low tide? mood swing? hmm. maybe not. it's just dampened. well at least it isnt a gloomy day. i am still doing fine i suppose.
tomorrow is the interview. i hope everything is fine. i will try do what i can to answer them. what else? i dont know what to expect so i'm just going to face it as it comes. as long as i can speak with sense i should be ok. well that's a challenging task.
at first thought it was going to be a good day. cos the whole afternoon there wasnt rain. sun sun sun. ya. but it rained later. just went i was getting out of my house. to walk over to the next few blocks to tutor. so it rained and i ran to the block instead of walking. ended tuition and it's still drizzling. dont think i'll go jogging already. cos it's like. wet. and i am lazy to get out of my house now. and my determination of cos is back-sliding.
today is a rather normal day again. slacked at home.
just that the night before. after i went offline. i read a book that i borrowed from the library. a chinese book titled. ai qing qiao qiao ban. haha. stupid la. i spent the night reading and finished it by 4.30 am. quite a slow reader i must say. so ya. i finished it off. tonight i might just finish another. rather nice story. well the ending is a happy one. but the way the author writes is interesting. it's rather silly that i read such books but at times. hmm. people do weird things. so i only slept at 4.30 am. then end up i was awoken by my one of my student's mum who came down to collect sthg she left last week here. ya. so my hair was in a mess. i was having that sleepy look and i simply just passed the file to her looking like some untidy freak. groans. look at the time. i had set the alarm at 11 am and it's not the time yet. haha. i slept less than 7 hours. gee.
then slacked. watched tv. online. blogged. played gb. ah. life's so normal. life's so sad. ya. the rain is making me feel a little crazy. my mood seems low at times. high tide low tide? mood swing? hmm. maybe not. it's just dampened. well at least it isnt a gloomy day. i am still doing fine i suppose.
tomorrow is the interview. i hope everything is fine. i will try do what i can to answer them. what else? i dont know what to expect so i'm just going to face it as it comes. as long as i can speak with sense i should be ok. well that's a challenging task.
- argh -
yesterday finished blogging an entry yet blogger had to encounter some error. so end up. the whole entry is gone. well. i cant really remember the content so ya. i'll just briefly cover what i have written.
4 march 2005
rainy day. poured. so ya. at first intend to go swimming with ps also have to cancel it. sad. lack of exercise. hopefully thursday has a better weather then we can go ahead on that day again.
it rained. and ya. i went out in the rain to try get drench. very silly. very crazy. but end up take so long nvr really get very wet. cos by the time i drag myself to get out to do that silly entic the rain was much lighter already. so end up only my hair and shirt got wet. very cold. cos wind was blowing and so i didnt stand out very long. taking way too long to be totally drenched by the rain. ya. sounds totally like i am some lunatic but i was kind of feeling melancholic. dont know why but just feel like having the rain washing down on me. at first was thinking if it still rains today i'll try get myself totally soaked. but it's like good weather today.
after that i went to the library. walked there while it was drizzling. and the rain got heavier. so end up have to take umbrella out. then read some books in the library. didnt manage to make much notes from the reference books there cos was kind of distracted. just keep wandering off somehow. sigh. in the end borrowed books and then went home to tutor.
will update about today's stuff later today maybe. sigh. i think life's sad.
4 march 2005
rainy day. poured. so ya. at first intend to go swimming with ps also have to cancel it. sad. lack of exercise. hopefully thursday has a better weather then we can go ahead on that day again.
it rained. and ya. i went out in the rain to try get drench. very silly. very crazy. but end up take so long nvr really get very wet. cos by the time i drag myself to get out to do that silly entic the rain was much lighter already. so end up only my hair and shirt got wet. very cold. cos wind was blowing and so i didnt stand out very long. taking way too long to be totally drenched by the rain. ya. sounds totally like i am some lunatic but i was kind of feeling melancholic. dont know why but just feel like having the rain washing down on me. at first was thinking if it still rains today i'll try get myself totally soaked. but it's like good weather today.
after that i went to the library. walked there while it was drizzling. and the rain got heavier. so end up have to take umbrella out. then read some books in the library. didnt manage to make much notes from the reference books there cos was kind of distracted. just keep wandering off somehow. sigh. in the end borrowed books and then went home to tutor.
will update about today's stuff later today maybe. sigh. i think life's sad.
Sunday, April 03, 2005
03.04.05
cant think of a title. so i put today's date. which happens to be a section of a simple arithmetic progression. well that's maths c. ok. i am blabbering nonsense. ya. just occurred to me that it is so when i was working. and have to fill up something with the date.
today i am very very tired. my legs are feeling very sore. had woke up early at 7.15 am. was supposed to wake up at 6 am but i couldnt. so end up rushing to get ready so that i can get out of the house within half an hour. met lindy at bishan at 8.15 am. had agreed to help her out with a old newspaper and clothing and electrical appliances collection activity as part of fund-raising for some youth expedition project which she is part of. ya. so basically i spent 3 hours in the morning together with a bunch of people going around the bishan blocks of flats. climbing up and down the stairs, knocking at people's doors and asking if they have any of the items ready for us to collect. of course. it wasnt a hard time carrying bags of those items cos there really arent much. it's just the climbing of the stairs that's making my legs ache. for the first block that i went to, i actually had to run once up the stairs to the 9th floor cos had to go help lindy get some stuff at the 7th level and the lift cant pack so many of us in. so i took the stairs being impatient to wait. and bishan has this super complex thing such that the common corridors are at certain levels only. and ya. being blur. i actually took the wrong stairs and had to go all the way to the 9th level where the common corridor is. and then get down the right stairs to the 7th level. amazingly, i was a little faster than those who took the lift. haha. but after that i was panting like mad. and ya right now my legs are aching. pain.
then after that still went to work. had to stand again. then i was so much wishing that i get breaks cos that's when i can find place to sit. my legs feel so sore. ya. so it's basically a very tiring day. tiring for my legs. poor legs of mine. too bad. they got themselves a bad owner. i volunteered myself to help out and i opted to work. so well. haha. at least one thing good is even though i feel tired physically. i am basically in a good mood. nothing really upsetting and disturbing. :) that's something to be thankful for.
before work i actually got enough time to shop around so i end up buying a blouse at 59 bucks from g2000. kind of ex. but well. desperate attempt. i cant really find sensible and presentable ones anywhere else cos i dont know where else to get them from. so i more or less settled things. will have to prepare myself for wednesday.
today i am very very tired. my legs are feeling very sore. had woke up early at 7.15 am. was supposed to wake up at 6 am but i couldnt. so end up rushing to get ready so that i can get out of the house within half an hour. met lindy at bishan at 8.15 am. had agreed to help her out with a old newspaper and clothing and electrical appliances collection activity as part of fund-raising for some youth expedition project which she is part of. ya. so basically i spent 3 hours in the morning together with a bunch of people going around the bishan blocks of flats. climbing up and down the stairs, knocking at people's doors and asking if they have any of the items ready for us to collect. of course. it wasnt a hard time carrying bags of those items cos there really arent much. it's just the climbing of the stairs that's making my legs ache. for the first block that i went to, i actually had to run once up the stairs to the 9th floor cos had to go help lindy get some stuff at the 7th level and the lift cant pack so many of us in. so i took the stairs being impatient to wait. and bishan has this super complex thing such that the common corridors are at certain levels only. and ya. being blur. i actually took the wrong stairs and had to go all the way to the 9th level where the common corridor is. and then get down the right stairs to the 7th level. amazingly, i was a little faster than those who took the lift. haha. but after that i was panting like mad. and ya right now my legs are aching. pain.
then after that still went to work. had to stand again. then i was so much wishing that i get breaks cos that's when i can find place to sit. my legs feel so sore. ya. so it's basically a very tiring day. tiring for my legs. poor legs of mine. too bad. they got themselves a bad owner. i volunteered myself to help out and i opted to work. so well. haha. at least one thing good is even though i feel tired physically. i am basically in a good mood. nothing really upsetting and disturbing. :) that's something to be thankful for.
before work i actually got enough time to shop around so i end up buying a blouse at 59 bucks from g2000. kind of ex. but well. desperate attempt. i cant really find sensible and presentable ones anywhere else cos i dont know where else to get them from. so i more or less settled things. will have to prepare myself for wednesday.
Saturday, April 02, 2005
drained
a really booked-up weekend. i have things lined up really properly. totally like not giving myself much breathing space. bad way to start of the first weekend of april but well. nothing's ever expected to be good for me anyway.
so today morning woke up at 6 am or just slightly later. got up and then got ready to go pay respects to my grandparents and my dad since it's going to be qing ming. ya. then uncle had to fetch mum to the workplace first before sending me back. and the way to town was like having traffic jam. so end up i was late to meet the people for guitar practice. end up asking uncle to send me to my friend's place instead. so i went for guitar practice around 10 plus. uncle had like drove around the place so many times just to find the right place. sigh. i wasted his time too.
after guitar rushed back home to tutor. super tired. got back just in time to start getting ready for tutoring. after tutoring went to work. sigh. at work there were moments where i almost dozed off standing. very tired.
tmr going to have to work again. very tired. morning going to meet lindy and help out with some newspaper collecting thing. sigh. hope i can have the energy to go on.
so today morning woke up at 6 am or just slightly later. got up and then got ready to go pay respects to my grandparents and my dad since it's going to be qing ming. ya. then uncle had to fetch mum to the workplace first before sending me back. and the way to town was like having traffic jam. so end up i was late to meet the people for guitar practice. end up asking uncle to send me to my friend's place instead. so i went for guitar practice around 10 plus. uncle had like drove around the place so many times just to find the right place. sigh. i wasted his time too.
after guitar rushed back home to tutor. super tired. got back just in time to start getting ready for tutoring. after tutoring went to work. sigh. at work there were moments where i almost dozed off standing. very tired.
tmr going to have to work again. very tired. morning going to meet lindy and help out with some newspaper collecting thing. sigh. hope i can have the energy to go on.
Friday, April 01, 2005
the april's fool big joke
ya. big joke. big time. got a letter from moe. goodness. applied for teaching and got shortlisted. and i need to go for an interview. yes, an interview just to get into a course that's not my first option. in fact it's my last. sigh. and the interview is on next wednesday. i have no formal wear. i think i need to dress up almost like an office lady. but. the thing is. i need to buy. nothing presentable at home at the moment that i can make use of. how about the school uniform? bad try maybe. argh. i'll have to get my shopping done either on monday or tuesday. simply cos i'm booked up with things for the weekend. work work work. argh. what a way to start off april. eeks. yes. i am screwed this time. unprepared. i need to get documents ready. my attire ready. yes. and i plan to get it done on monday by monday. one day settles it all.
now thinking. should i go in contact lens? or specs? specs. i might have to worry that it slips of my nose and it looks totally silly to keep pushing it up during the interview. and i look utterly geeky in specs. hmm. i do look geeky too without maybe. haha. ya. might be good to look geeky cos well they are there looking for teachers. contact lens. if i were to wear them, that means i will have to open my last pair of contact lens that i've bought and i'll need to get them stocked up again. which wasnt part of my plan to. i plan to use new stock for new school term. hmm. and if i want to insist that my plan goes. that means i will be performing at the guitar concert with my specs and during the concert if my specs slips i cant push it up any more cos my hands are on the guitar. can imagine the weird scenario? sigh. what am i to do. friends, advice please? haha.
what am i to prepare? i am totally confused. i am trying not to get entirely stressed out by this. but. i cant help it. argh. gosh.
ok. that's the only joke for this year. kind of good. blessing. it's a blessing. i've got a chance to go for an interview and i am going to learn sthg from it definitely. and it's a blessing that it's the only biggest joke. no one played tricks on me. haha. :)
today quite ok. woke up at 8. kind of early but already half an hour later than the supposed time to be awake. then got ready to go out and meet esther. talked a lot. learnt a lot again. she's a good mentor. after that. she treated me to lunch at fish & co. i had fish and chips. i wonder if it's part of the chef's april fool's joke or it's just his happy day. the serving was damn huge. haha. i had a piece of that fried fish and it was so big that it's out of the plate? erm. a part of it was. and ya. even ordered a set. so it came with the soup of the day and a drink. in the end, i ate most of the fish but i didnt eat the batter part. meaning i only ate the meat by the time it was left to the last bit. i drank only half the bowl of soup. drank only half the drink served. hmmm. both of us should have just shared one meal. haha. we both couldnt finish our meal. wasted food. and the chips served. i only ate less than half of it. so ya. conclusion. we wasted food. ya. so lunch was really filling. end up eating only a little during dinner which is during my break time at work.
work today very slack cos no one around. but still i am tired. afterall woke up early. tmr going to be another early day. and a full day. hope it's really the end of all the april fool's joke and i survive tmr.
now thinking. should i go in contact lens? or specs? specs. i might have to worry that it slips of my nose and it looks totally silly to keep pushing it up during the interview. and i look utterly geeky in specs. hmm. i do look geeky too without maybe. haha. ya. might be good to look geeky cos well they are there looking for teachers. contact lens. if i were to wear them, that means i will have to open my last pair of contact lens that i've bought and i'll need to get them stocked up again. which wasnt part of my plan to. i plan to use new stock for new school term. hmm. and if i want to insist that my plan goes. that means i will be performing at the guitar concert with my specs and during the concert if my specs slips i cant push it up any more cos my hands are on the guitar. can imagine the weird scenario? sigh. what am i to do. friends, advice please? haha.
what am i to prepare? i am totally confused. i am trying not to get entirely stressed out by this. but. i cant help it. argh. gosh.
ok. that's the only joke for this year. kind of good. blessing. it's a blessing. i've got a chance to go for an interview and i am going to learn sthg from it definitely. and it's a blessing that it's the only biggest joke. no one played tricks on me. haha. :)
today quite ok. woke up at 8. kind of early but already half an hour later than the supposed time to be awake. then got ready to go out and meet esther. talked a lot. learnt a lot again. she's a good mentor. after that. she treated me to lunch at fish & co. i had fish and chips. i wonder if it's part of the chef's april fool's joke or it's just his happy day. the serving was damn huge. haha. i had a piece of that fried fish and it was so big that it's out of the plate? erm. a part of it was. and ya. even ordered a set. so it came with the soup of the day and a drink. in the end, i ate most of the fish but i didnt eat the batter part. meaning i only ate the meat by the time it was left to the last bit. i drank only half the bowl of soup. drank only half the drink served. hmmm. both of us should have just shared one meal. haha. we both couldnt finish our meal. wasted food. and the chips served. i only ate less than half of it. so ya. conclusion. we wasted food. ya. so lunch was really filling. end up eating only a little during dinner which is during my break time at work.
work today very slack cos no one around. but still i am tired. afterall woke up early. tmr going to be another early day. and a full day. hope it's really the end of all the april fool's joke and i survive tmr.
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