t-rust

Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain.

~ J. K. Rowling ~

woke up with a horrid dream.
i wouldnt say it's a nightmare as yet.
the shocking factor wasnt there. i didnt wake up in a shock.

but it was horrid enough.
i wonder how in the short time span of an hour, i could have such images in my mind.

in the dream,
there was this group of foreigners that my mum brought around singapore.
and the particular scene was that i ended up having to show this group a place to buy things.
in the end, they turned out to be thieves. stole from the place.
i was observing them and kind of predicted that they had done sthg bad before they left the place and the alarm rang.
frantic me was running as fast as i can. screaming for my mum to see if she's around.
ended up boarding a bus, which i somehow assumed got me home.
called my mum on the phone and was like screaming into the mouthpiece.
was crying and crying blaming her for putting me alone with a bunch of thieves.
then i was telling her how scared i was. and to think the only thing i could even think of in my dreams was my studies. i was rattling on and on about if i get caught i would most probably blemish my records and what will happen to my studies and all.
before the whole dream ended,
i landed up at this mrt station, somehow, i was supposed to be taking a bus.
at there, there was policemen around waiting to arrest me or sthg.
after that i woke up.

sounds like some dumb dream.
but i was totally freaked out.
close to tears but got back to reality.

thinking about it.
i wonder. what if i really were to end up in a fairly similar kind of situation.
who were the people i want very much to trust that i have done nothing wrong.
who are those who really will trust that i have one nothing wrong.
who i can trust.

in a sense, i did trust the bunch of people in my dreams until they stole.
how then do i know who to trust.
and not end up with a misplaced trust?
in life, who is it that we can trust?
indeed, in order to be trusted, we must trust.
but what happens when your trust is betrayed?
i wonder how i will deal with it.

anger?
what can anger do when you land up in this situation where the misplaced trust puts you in a place of no return?
anger would only be sthg you bring along with you, and you think of how much you hate the person. and of course, how much you hate yourself to have trusted.

forgive and forget?
often easier said than done.
how sadly, it is easier if you can forgive. but can you really forget?
what about the trust you can no longer put in that person?
doesnt that mean you havent forgotten?
simply cos what happened previously that you can forget, you cant trust the person anymore. isnt it so?

smile and live with it?
sounds like some indifferent person.
is it that easy to even smile?
what more live with it?
a mistake made. in a sense.
smile and tell yourself not to make it again?
then continue on with life?
sounds like the ideal.
but how to not make such a mistake again?
there isnt anything called trust level detector as yet in this world.
lie detector?
a person who might not lie, can still be someone you cant trust.

how then?
cant think of other reactions to this.
really. i wonder.
how much it takes to start learning to trust.
how much it takes to then take bold steps to trust.
how much it takes to fix a broken heart, when the trust is misplaced.
how much it takes to start all over again.

right now, i dont have that kind of strength. mental strength.
i dont have that kind of ability to trust anyone that much.
i dont have the confidence in someone to the extent that i can say. "this person isnt like that. i trust him/her." if that day that requires it should come.
yet, i have people whom i want to be able to trust me.
sounds like sthg too much to ask for.
i wonder. how i can start.
to trust so that i can be trusted.

tension

i'm tired. yet i am stressed out at the same time.
tutorials for next week that i have to chiong.
and of course, the written group assignment that is due next week.
so many things to do. it seems.
i am kind of worn out.
today had 5 hours of class followed by 3 hours of group discussion for the project.
now i am so so brain-drained. and now i am so tired.
as i am doing my assignment, i'm beginning to doze off.
yet i have to tell myself that i have to manage through cos i simply dont have the time to take a break.

my my.
i wonder how i am going to manage my school modules.
i am beginning to not understand a lot of what is being taught.
this is how damn shit.
i feel dumb. and i hate myself for being unable to understand the concepts.
it's stressing.
argh.
messed up.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
how can i get things done. and get sleep at the same time.
sleepwalk?
sigh.

sleepy

been sleeping like a pig these few days.
for the past 2 days i almost couldnt wake up for class.
thanks to linda whom i woke up with my alarm, which was meant to wake me up.
sigh. i guess i am slowly getting used to sleeping on the bed here.
so much so that i sleep to the extent of not wanting to get up.
gosh.

classes starting soon at 10.30 am.
gonna be a long day ahead.
hehe. smuggle food into class cos i've got a straight5 hours of classes.
so lunch is practically gone.
gonna have group discussion for my assignment due next week after that.
gosh. i'm so going to be dead.

yesterday had voting for jcrc.
haha. how funny.
i've got my voting rights as a student in the hall.
lalala.
it was kind of dumb.
the bunch of us were laughing as we got out of the voting room.

hostel life - so far so good.
i'm rather stressed out cos of the workload in school.
often said that university is slack. but i dont really feel like it is.
maybe cos i try to make an effort to do all my tutorials although the teachers dont check through them.
today shall gonna come back and start chionging my tutorials for next week. so that i'll give myself time for the assignments due and then relax.

lalala. i'm dying to do sthg more fun and exciting.

entry #200

the 200th post.
man. this blog has come a long way.
more like this blog had contained loads of rubbish.
and i have no intention of stopping my "throwing junk" habit.
haha.

basically.
here comes more crap.
lalala~

today. as usual. school.
but i'm so happy.
done with my tutorial for the week.
ahhh. i'm so happy. proud of myself man.
now can work on the project.
and then start chionging for the tutorials again for next week.
sigh. life's like that for school.
so far still making a point to do tutorials i guess.
but most prob might give up when more stuff other than schoolwork starts coming in.
i certainly do not hope i become that slack.
haha.
afterall my rice bowl depends on this years later.

finally tried taking the shuttlebus around campus today.
and got close to seeing what my new hall will be like.
man, it's gonna be far from the academic block. which means more walking.
but well. the shuttlebus thing is rather convenient if not for the fact that the frequency can be quite low.

today. finally got down to doing some exercise.
i've been such a lazy bum ever since i got into hostel.
played badminton with sis in school after class today.
lala. i love badminton.
at least running while playing isnt as boring as just jogging around.
in my opinion that is.
now that the racket is in the hall, i guess i should make as much use of it as i can.

then went to help sis for her project.
had to be her model for photojourn. haha.
so dumb. picked a bad model.
lalala. basically i sit there and smile to my very best.
i guess only minority of the shots turned out satisfactory.
haha. i'm seriously not cut out to be a model.
smile a while then cannot take it already.
haha. and of course, the looks dont meet the requirements.
but whatever. haha.

here are the pics. lala. rather nice yet me not that nice. haha.

well. not a bad day.
hall jcrc having rally soon.
wonder if i should go down and listen.
i can just vote without listening to those speeches i guess.
since there are some seniors that i know of.
sigh. lazy bum lazy bum.

there goes my entry #200.
total crap.
haha.

expect more crap.

such a sweet little thing

here are some pics that i took when i was at my aunt's place to celebrate my cousin's 3rd birthday.

she's such a sweet little thing.

although she can get really hyper and playful at times.

she's still so loveable!

this is a picture my sisters and i took with the birthday girl. :)

my my. i like this little cousin of mine. so kawaii.

hmm. i also like the soft toy belonging to my cousin! hehe. she has such a cute winnie the pooh bear soft toy!

parting

Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, That I shall say good night till it be morrow.

~ William Shakespeare ~

a chinese saying goes 天下无不散之筵席 (tian1 xia4 wu2 bu2 san4 zhi1 yan3 xi2).

indeed. there's time where we go separate ways.

there'll come to one day where we'll have to part.

sent off 2 of my jc classmates today.

they're most probably on the plane now still.

and i've only got about 1 hour of sleep ever since i've got home.

now it is. in different places.

they are now flying somewhere among the clouds. somewhere in the other part of this world.

and now, i'm back to where i've always been. home. staying here for as long as i can until there comes a time where i'll leave this place for a period of time. someday.

i hate parting scenes.

i'm not one who tears in front of people.

yet at these situations, i'll feel the tears coming out of my eyes.

and i'll have to try my very best to hold back tears.

cos i've always thought that crying is sthg that's contagious.

to say i feel nothing having these 2 friends leaving would be lying.

afterall, they've been people who really created fond memories of my jc life.

as i look back, they would have made a difference. to me. and to the class.

they've been people i worked with not just for class stuff. but also on other occasions.

sending them off. i was wondering if i ever made it to going on an exchange.

such kind of scenarios will happen again.

i wonder if i'll be able to take it.

to be like lindy, walking through the departure gate and then taking bold steps to face whatever is going to come.

although we know that there'll be a time when they'll be back for occasional visits. but. who can be certain when will the next earliest meeting be?

no one can tell.

to be able to be like the 2 of them, leaving behind certain things that they've been so much used to throughout their lives.

i wonder how much strength that needs.

parting. when will the next meeting be?

good-bye for now. when will be the next "hey" "hi" "yo".

well, they might just come back with "what's up?" instead.

how much will we all move on?

how much will things change?

how much would we all have learnt with the time that passed?

the group is getting smaller and smaller as we all move on. progress. and get to where we've always dreamt of reaching.

the next bunch of people is going to leave some time soon. time flies. it's gonna be soon.

how much longer can i hold back the tears and smile and wave and wish them all the best?

if parting is part and parcel of life.

i guess i just have to start getting used to the way things are.

whatever it is.

i'll be looking forward to the day when it's the meeting after the parting.

We only part to meet again.

~ John Gay ~

my 2nd airport stayover

now sitting in pacific coffee company.
i've just finished a tall cup of chocolate chillino.
what a thing to drink early in the morning.

i've been at the airport for close to 9 hours.
havent really caught a wink.
so i guess my thoughts are gonna be super incoherent.
and of course. this is gonna be a whole load of rubbish.

earlier today, i have already gulped down a short cup of cappuccino.
oh man. caffeine intake is crazy.
walked from t2 to t1 cos the sky train was under service then.
then stayed at the viewing gallery for hours.

sent lindy off already.
now waiting to send sarah off.
sigh. wonder when's the next time we'll ever get to meet up.

kind of trying really hard to stay awake.
already had breakfast at burger king.

i guess i gonna really sleep on the train ride back.

lalala.

took some pics. gonna upload them when i get back to hostel wher i can transfer the pics.
well. it had been a great night whatever it is.
shag but at least it's something different.

:)