it's just me

not particularly in a good mood today.
not cos the paper was tough.
in fact the it paper was manageable.
hope i do well.

but well.
i guessed stupid me made another mistake again.
so well.
somehow i just seem to say the wrong things at the wrong time.
i wonder why.
it's just me again.
maybe i ought to be born dumb.
then i wont go around offending people with what i say.

i hate it.
sometimes to the extent that i hate myself for being stupid.
small little things just seem to be magnified simply cos of sthg stupid i say.
yes it's just me.

still.
i guess i dont explain things enough.
maybe that's why.
stubborn me always give people shit.
with all the nothing. none of your business.
when people are asking simply how i am out of concern.
stupid right?
yes that's me.

maybe it's really time i voice out things clearly.
but with caution.
time and time again.
it's a lesson i need to learn.
and yet i've always failed to be able to.
stupid? yes i agree i can be stupid.
it's just me.

and to just show how stupid i can be.
i actually got so distracted that i got things burnt in the conventional oven at home tonight while trying to make myself something to eat.
damn shit.
i am disgusted by myself.


the food actually turned out like this.
when it's supposed to look like...


hmmm. stupid zhien does stupid things.

:(
an unhappy zhien trying to remind herself to smile in case i irritate more people again.

smile. zhien. smile.
and stop being stupid.

on blogging to destress

yes.
another paper tmr.
argh.
damn shit.
information technology.
woo.
talk about all the it stuff when i'm some it-idiot.
i'm now almost like at a pt where i am totally turned off by reading and memorising.
saturated.
but then still.
there seems to be a lot that i just cant seem to remember yet.
argh.
stressing.
what's more stressing is the friday paper.
time is passing.
which can be good or bad.
means not much time to prepare for the last paper.
but also means.
i am finishing my examinations.
man. talk about the contradictions in life.

i was so moody in the morning that i made someone very pissed off.
cos i was pulling a long face.
sigh. i wonder what is wrong too.
it's just me.
somehow when i am very stressed.
i also become very "attitude".
especially to those whom i think will be able to take it.
sry. really really sry.
sigh. i honestly just get on people's nerves at times.
out to test limits?
hmmm. bad me.

anyway.
i'm out to destress.
so i shall talk nonsense from here on.

to show off how much a winnie the pooh lover i can be.


a picture of my pooh cushion.
it lies on the shelf beside my bed.
posted a picture of this before.
a fellow senior gave it to me.
how nice.
everyone knows i am winnie's fan.


my pooh soft-toy.
a gift from linda.
so sweet.
hehe. mine's pink.
chiew lin got one that's blue.
hehe. lovely.
haha.
my roomie is very nice.
gonna miss being your roomie too!


my winnie the pooh tissue box.
a bit wrong season.
but still.
who cares?
it's winnie the pooh.
hehe.
so cute.
this is only the first box out of the whole packet of 5 that i bought.
hehe.
more more more winnie the pooh!


this was a gift very long time back.
pooh towel.
so cute right?
hehe.
i've got a lot a lot of pooh stuff.
and i dont mind more!
hehe.

i'm just short of winnie the pooh pillow case, bedsheets and blanket.
the set that chiew lin has.
*boohoo*

and on sunday night.
eric gave me a treat.
this!

made me walk all the way from my room to his just to take one though.
hehe.
cos linda already got their treat the day before.
haha.
still.
a nice treat.
it's been some time since i ate that!

licked it clean!

look at the wrapper!
hehe.
not very clear though.

and on my last piece of crap.
jp's kfc got renovated some time back too.
only got to take a pic today cos we were sitting at one of the tables while planning for jj's bday surprise.
hehe.


they've got a cosy corner with cushioned chairs.
cool right?


and i finally got to eat cheese fries.
dont know how long was the last time i ate that.
sad.

ok. enough crap.
time to get back to mugging!
hehe.

blogging

when i should be mugging.
somehow very distracted.
sigh.
this is horrible.
i hate exams.
friday shall be the last paper.
and i hope everything goes well.
argh.
damn stressing.

anyway.
of a rather wasted weekend.

only went back home from hall on saturday morning.
spent friday night trying to study.
but i doubt i accomplished much.

made dinner for myself.

think that this looks healthy?
hehe.


not quite after adding this!


tada! the final product.
hehe.
glutton me finished up everything myself of course.
hehe.

and tonight's dinner was great too.
kind of like a bday celebration dinner for sis's birthday.
so we went for zi char somewhere near grandma's place.


this is a picture of hanfeng who playfully tried to order nothing but fried rice.


the two uncles!


one of the dishes. sweet and sour pork.
i only managed to take a picture after some of us had helped themselves to the food.
can imagine how hungry we were.
hehe.
the person took some time to serve.
and didnt had quite a good attitude.
well.
cant really be bothered.


salad prawn!
this one is tasty.
cos i like! :)
hehe.


after that got lazy taking every pick.
sthg in general.
basically there was a lot of food.
which were quite nice.
hehe.
i like the prawn thing the best.
hehe.

on a sidenote.
to emphasize on how different i can be from most girls.

while girls go eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee over this.
i go ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh over this.
cos "eeeeeeeeeeeeeee" was one of the exclamation i heard from one small girl today when she saw this poster.
hmmmm. this is one movie i gonna catch!
who cares.
hehe.

anyway.
i think i'm experiencing one of those mood swings again.
"how can you lose what you never had"
quoting from one elvis presley song.
haha.
i have never ever listened to this.
just randomly searched on the net.
tried to recall a song i knew with lyrics sthg like that.
but cant.
so well.
somehow.
at times i feel as if i've lost sthg that i never even had before.
:(
weird.
well.
i really need to stop thinking too much.
bleh.

before i end this long entry.
lesson of the day is - learn to live correctly.
cos we've got limited time on this earth.
make use of every opportunity.
and of course understand the will of the lord.

focus focus.
shall try to get started with mugging.
argh.
*pulls hair*

now i know

why i am not cut out for law.
haha.
had my business law paper today.
and it turned out quite disastrous.
sadly.
despite all the revision.
i didnt have the time to finish quite a huge chunk of the paper.
so it means that i totally gave up a large portion of my marks.
now can only hope that the ones i did are well-done.
cos i dont think i can afford to lose anymore marks.
how sad.
but well.
nothing much i can do now.
except to start doing revision for my next paper.
and hopefully everything goes well.
one more week to go.
and it's the end of exams.
so i guess the extra effort put in for this last lap in exchange for a long break should be worth it.
gonna have to really really try my best.
lesson learnt today i need proper time management.

nonetheless still a rather fine day.
tonight stayed back in hall.
and linda chiewlin decided to diy dinner.
and top on the menu was instant noodles.
haha.
how interesting.

shall let the pictures do the talking.

this is my share of the noodles.
compare it with the next one. hehe.


this is what linda cooked for her *cough* you-know-who.
lol.
haha. this is sabotage la.
clarification. i choose to have that amount of stuff to eat.
my first time eating instant noodles without soup.
a little sua gu. but well. i am no ambassador of instant noodles anyway.
so i insisted that i only have one packet of noodles.
then picky me didnt want that much hotdog. and so they each had to end up eating 3.
haha. i am some brat.


of course. to contribute a little on my part.
i decided to get some cooked side dishes from the hall canteen.
looks pathetic in the amount.
tried communicating to the uncle that i wanted extra portions but well.
maybe it's the generation gap. or it's just me.
he doesnt understand.

so that concluded dinner for the day.
kind of fun.
and well. sthg other than the canteen food.
hehe.
in fact.
i think for the whole of this week.
i've practically not touched much canteen food.
except for monday dinner. tuesday lunch. wednesday lunch.
three out of ten meals for each week.
hmm. haha. seems really little for a hostelite like me.
lol.

now taking a break off mugging to blog.
so shall have to get back to it.
gonna have to make full use of my time to study what i can.
so that i can do well for this exams.
man. i need to pull up my gpa.
bleh.
study study.
shall psycho myself to ganbatte!

what a world

now i need some avenue to express how horribly horrified i am.
bet linda and chiew lin will laugh over this super hard.
man i shouldnt have read that blog.
sickening.
now it's so traumatizing.
goodness gracious me.
ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
help these people man.
anyway.
take a look at this.

not sure if u can see the word's clearly.
but it reads "coupled on 10th april 2006" and then "boy sees boy, boy likes boy, boy have sex with boy, boy loves boy"
it's a blog about a gay couple la.
*faints*
i need some help now.
can't claim for nervous shock given the qualifications stated in my business law text.
gosh.
man i need to get out of this terrorized state.
it just seems so wrong.
of course i am not in any position to dictate what is right and what is wrong.
but it just doesnt make sense to me.
at least i just find it off.
ok. fine. i am biased.
deeply horrified.
man this is worse than watching final destination 3.
ok i am over-reacting.
*breathe in breathe out*

the day before my next paper.
business law.
and i've got to be so traumatized.
how sad.
i need some rest.
haha.
still i hope i do well.
spent almost my whole day out.
was discussing with two classmates of mine the past year papers.
damn stressing.
after all the effort.
i certainly hope that it pays off.

anyway.
to make myself a bit better.
i shall blog about other stuff.
started off with a bad intro.
hehe.

anyway.
tell me.

what's the use of a healthy lunch...
take for example,

a subway sandwich. turkey breast. parmesan oregano. 6-inch. lettuce,cucumber,tomato,green pepper, pepper. honey mustard.

when you go for a highly sinful dessert...
take for example,

anderson's ice-cream sundae. 3 scoops of ice-cream with hot fudge and whipped cream. forgot exactly the names of the 3 i ate today. but the banana crunch is nice. can challenge ben&jerry's chunky monkey. woohoo.

and have dinner at mcdonald's?
i've been eating too much nice stuff since the start of this week.
is it the exams?
or is it me?

and one interesting thing i found out.
qiu dao yu = saba fish
qiu dao yu de zi wei mao gen ni dou xiang liao jie.
that's from jay chou's qi li xiang.
and i nvr ever knew what qiu dao yu was.

saw this at the korean food stall at jp kopitiam foodcourt.
still. i dont know what is the taste of saba fish.
haha.

and breadtalk got quite some nice-looking cakes.
took this out of boredom.
was waiting somewhere near the breadtalk at jp and this caught my attention.

tiramisu cake! woooooo.

this is called chocolate fanfare.
it costs 35 bucks for a 1-kg cake.
this was the one that caught my attention.
looks super chocolately.
i wonder if it's nice.
hehe.

ok. time to get back to doing a little more revision before i hit the bed.
good luck for me tmr!
must do well!
go go go zhien!
hehe.

food galore

this is gonna be one random entry.
next paper on friday this week.
sob. will only end on friday next week.
hmmmmm. will have to survive this.
will survive this.
hehe.


the new pizza hut at jp.
it underwent some renovation weeks back.
now it is such a pretty place.
haha. lovely.


and beside the lovely new pizza hut is subway!
yay. jp has got a subway too now.
havent got a chance to grab myself a subway sandwich though.
it was super crowded today.
hmmm. it's been some time since i had subway.
hehe.
maybe should get myself one soon.
craving.


and introducing...
chicken crispy noodle
this is from the sizzling hotplate stall at banquet.
the foodcourt at b1 of jp.
man i like the food from this stall.
served sizzling hot.
and tasty too.
*drools*


and this is quite obvious.
fried fish bee hoon.
haha.
quite nice too.
somehow i just like fried fish bee hoon.
and the amount of fried fish they serve is quite a lot.
haha. at least i think it's a lot.

the food at banquet is a wee bit higher than that at kopitiam the level 3 foodcourt though.
hehe. but i think the food is nice.
good for a change at times.
and easier to find seats.
hehe.
;)

weeeee.
i'm hungry for food.
when i should be thirsty for knowledge now.
hmmm. weird.

out of here.

chew on this

sometimes, the more serious the incident, the less expression you potray it.
it would be at a point where you don't even know what to feel, much less how to show it.
crying is nothing but venting, pouring out the pain you feel in your heart, and bringing back nothing: not the person, not the loss, not even the memories.

and when time finally lighten the pain and burden you feel in your heart, you can smile again.
but nothing will be the same, no matter how much the rest want or think it would be.

took this off ps's blog.
was reading it and cant help but agree with it.
sometimes people ask me how i felt when my dad passed away.
5 years ago.
even now. i cant describe the way i feel.
regret? but not exactly.
upset? of course. but then it seems like insufficient to describe the way i really felt.

my immediate reaction i can still recall then wasnt crying.
for a moment i didnt know how to react when the doctor broke the news to us.
i usually dont cry easily. at least in front of people i seldom.
i think that was the first time ps ever saw me cry.
there and then i was stunned for a moment.
then came the crying.
crying. indeed is a form of relief.
nonetheless temporary.
crying can be very tiring.
and of course crying doesnt change anything.

even till now. i seldom talk much about how exactly i felt.
5 years.
i dont even think it's long enough time to get over things yet.
i guess grief is something really really unpredictable.

most people's opinion of me is someone very strong.
at least that's what i can recall of those things that my secondary school classmates wrote for me when i got them to write in my autograph book when we were graduating from secondary school.
in fact, i dont regard myself as strong.
i am just good at hiding.
afterall. it doesnt take that much effort to smile than to cry.
smiling isnt as tiring.

i nvr liked answering question about how i feel over my dad's passing.
it's like forcing me out of my hide-out.
i dont answer much. cos talking too much.
i'll choke over my words.
then again the whole process of crying.
the wound doesnt seem to heal.
yes it does close up.
but then at times it can rip open.
simply cos i dont give it proper treatment by escaping.
then again. i nvr really knew where to find the proper treatment.

i nvr liked looking straight into people's eyes.
it reveals too much.
i think.
at least it reveals too much about me.

writing this now. i can say. i feel nothing.
honest. i am not crying.
not cos i am numb.
not cos i dont feel upset about the whole issue.
but well.
it's a different channel.
it's easy to type.

i can only say that.
the way things are now are fine.
but if given a choice.
i'd rather dad still be around.
but i guess it's planned this way.
so that i learn to handle certain things.
so that i learn to be less of a spoilt brat.
so that i learn to live appreciating those around me.
so that i learn to love and treasure the ones that are alive.
so that i learn to be who i am now and be better.

anyway. read this on rick warren's the purpose driven life.
and it's really a wonderful book.
some interesting quotes.
"life minus love equals zero"
life is about loving god. and also loving the people around you!
"the best way to spell love is T-I-M-E"
relationships take time and effort, so dont just say. it's about investing your time and effort!
action speaks louder than words.