return me my sanity.
crap paper today.
i officially declare that the whole course test screwed me up.
sigh.
today the written paper. i feel like a total failure.
stared at the question paper for half an hour and still cant figure out what to write.
man. i am so useless. why am i such a loser?
i totally can forget about my dream already. one interview and one written test messed the whole thing up.
i dont know how to describe the way i feel now.
i feel as if i need to cry. to let the feelings drain out of me.
yet. i cant seem to cry?
after the whole 1 hr 15 mins thing. everyone was asking. so how was it? how much did you write? what did you write about?
those i knew at least managed 4 pages. and me? i can barely do 2. what the hell is that la?
they had a nice structure for the essay. thesis? introduction? mine is one huge whole chunk of mess.
i totally forgot clean about essay writing skills. i totally forgot how my brain thinks of sensible things. goodness gracious. what rubbish.
well. i can say aloha to my second choice course soon.
whatever.
now i am in the mood to do everything.
good or bad?
i just gorged myself with a huge piece of chocolate cream cake, 2 slices of hawaiian pizza from the one and only pizza hut and one strawberry yan yan biscuits.
and i still feel like eating.
i feel like going out to shop now.
i feel like having rain run down on me until i am drenched.
i feel like playing the guitar to brush up my skills for the coming performance cos i am the lousiest among the whole alumni batch.
i feel like just killing myself cos i ruined my lifetime dream with my crappy hands, brains and mouth.
i feel like sleeping forever.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Friday, April 29, 2005
gibberish
today is the day.
interview.
sigh. university life gonna really be hell.
at least that's one thing i expect for now.
walking around the campus gonna be a tough job.
i'm one with poor navigation skills.
a big campus is a killer.
went down for interview today and i was staring so closely at the map. following it ever so earnestly.
reached there super early. 25 minutes before the time they stated simply cos i was so scared i was late. i'm sure you call that late.
sigh. they havent even finished with setting up the laptops. so had to sit there and wait to register.
waiting is horrid. waiting always makes people freak out. yes.
while waiting i can almost feel my legs go wobbly.
sigh. sigh. stressed.
anyway. then had to walk through a long corridor of rooms before i got to the room that i'm supposed to go to. faint faint.
super stressing. sigh.
and in the end.
the interviewers were rather nice i must say. at least nicer than i expected.
cos i thought way too worse. i'm forever negative. so well.
grill grill. damn sad.
i'm so screwed this time.
they posted hypothetical questions. yea. so they gave me a situation. and ask me to give my opinion on the matter. sigh. i am. so so so so so so so so dead this time.
there goes my dream.
i smashed it with my own hands. hmm. should i say i smashed it with my mouth. shooting gibberish out of them. sigh.
at least i think i really screwed this up. cos it's not that good. sigh. sigh.
not cut out for this. seriously.
cos. imagine i cant even take this interview properly. what more the requirements of the job in the future?
sigh.
written test tmr. can i not go? i am dead anyway already.
do i need to go for that written test to stab myself again?
sigh sigh.
how. sad. how. very. sad.
why cant i be born smart? i want to be a genius.
goodness.
tmr. i need to survive tmr. tmr tmr tmr. argh.
i think i gonna have another sleepless night.
so damn stressed last night. cant really get much sleep.
sigh. of all things to choose. i choose to torture myself with this rubbish.
jerk. me. trash. me.
after interview went jp for a while.
first time trying mc cafe.
i still like coffee bean drinks. although more ex.
going to be another boring day.
just shoot me dead.
interview.
sigh. university life gonna really be hell.
at least that's one thing i expect for now.
walking around the campus gonna be a tough job.
i'm one with poor navigation skills.
a big campus is a killer.
went down for interview today and i was staring so closely at the map. following it ever so earnestly.
reached there super early. 25 minutes before the time they stated simply cos i was so scared i was late. i'm sure you call that late.
sigh. they havent even finished with setting up the laptops. so had to sit there and wait to register.
waiting is horrid. waiting always makes people freak out. yes.
while waiting i can almost feel my legs go wobbly.
sigh. sigh. stressed.
anyway. then had to walk through a long corridor of rooms before i got to the room that i'm supposed to go to. faint faint.
super stressing. sigh.
and in the end.
the interviewers were rather nice i must say. at least nicer than i expected.
cos i thought way too worse. i'm forever negative. so well.
grill grill. damn sad.
i'm so screwed this time.
they posted hypothetical questions. yea. so they gave me a situation. and ask me to give my opinion on the matter. sigh. i am. so so so so so so so so dead this time.
there goes my dream.
i smashed it with my own hands. hmm. should i say i smashed it with my mouth. shooting gibberish out of them. sigh.
at least i think i really screwed this up. cos it's not that good. sigh. sigh.
not cut out for this. seriously.
cos. imagine i cant even take this interview properly. what more the requirements of the job in the future?
sigh.
written test tmr. can i not go? i am dead anyway already.
do i need to go for that written test to stab myself again?
sigh sigh.
how. sad. how. very. sad.
why cant i be born smart? i want to be a genius.
goodness.
tmr. i need to survive tmr. tmr tmr tmr. argh.
i think i gonna have another sleepless night.
so damn stressed last night. cant really get much sleep.
sigh. of all things to choose. i choose to torture myself with this rubbish.
jerk. me. trash. me.
after interview went jp for a while.
first time trying mc cafe.
i still like coffee bean drinks. although more ex.
going to be another boring day.
just shoot me dead.
endless road
The truth is tearing up my heart
I can't recognize this place
The endless road without a stop sign
Can't even find a stranger this time
Why am i still holding back my tears
In this loneliness there's nothing to fear
Every chord still seems a wonder
How we could be together
Every time i ask if this would be the last
Why am i still talking to myself
Hoping you will have the keys to my cell
Every song might calm the weather but it just draws me deeper
How do i get out of this I think I never will
A crystal forming in the eye
Maybe this would be the last
The winding pathdown my face
Till I begin to taste the bitterness inside
an english song sang by lin jun jie in his second album. happened to listen to it. and i thought the lyrics are rather nice.
I can't recognize this place
The endless road without a stop sign
Can't even find a stranger this time
Why am i still holding back my tears
In this loneliness there's nothing to fear
Every chord still seems a wonder
How we could be together
Every time i ask if this would be the last
Why am i still talking to myself
Hoping you will have the keys to my cell
Every song might calm the weather but it just draws me deeper
How do i get out of this I think I never will
A crystal forming in the eye
Maybe this would be the last
The winding pathdown my face
Till I begin to taste the bitterness inside
an english song sang by lin jun jie in his second album. happened to listen to it. and i thought the lyrics are rather nice.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
happy birthday, my saints
yes. today is the birthday of 2 very nice people that happily got into my life.
i decided to separate this from my daily entry cos i usually have very upsetting things to say.
this is to be different.
happy birthday to my dearest sister. 21. moving on to another stage in life.
thanks for being such a wonderful sister. you'll always be. before today and after today.
everyday.
loveable, pretty, caring, thoughtful, generous. all those wonder traits that you possess.
keep them all with you. stay that way. no matter how tough the going gets.
those characters that are purely you will stay with you. :)
a very happy happy happy birthday to you.
smile. today is your special day.
also.
happy birthday to my buddy. teeseng. most probably wont be reading my blog.
but it's evidence that i didnt forget his birthday.
something that i can use to exchange for my bday gift.
haha. ok. i am bad.
at least i know i cant forget his bday.
it's afterall the same day as my sister. sigh.
want to forget also cannot.
thanks for being a wonderful friend! happy birthday.
i decided to separate this from my daily entry cos i usually have very upsetting things to say.
this is to be different.
happy birthday to my dearest sister. 21. moving on to another stage in life.
thanks for being such a wonderful sister. you'll always be. before today and after today.
everyday.
loveable, pretty, caring, thoughtful, generous. all those wonder traits that you possess.
keep them all with you. stay that way. no matter how tough the going gets.
those characters that are purely you will stay with you. :)
a very happy happy happy birthday to you.
smile. today is your special day.
also.
happy birthday to my buddy. teeseng. most probably wont be reading my blog.
but it's evidence that i didnt forget his birthday.
something that i can use to exchange for my bday gift.
haha. ok. i am bad.
at least i know i cant forget his bday.
it's afterall the same day as my sister. sigh.
want to forget also cannot.
thanks for being a wonderful friend! happy birthday.
wrong?
was i wrong? to take up that gamble. sigh.
sis, ps, whoever that understands, is it wrong of me?
is it me trying to be funny?
is it too silly to cast a decision based on a box of biscuits?
is it wrong to make such a bet? and treating the answer as true?
think i'm taking things too lightly?
i dont want to explain anymore.
what i explain will not be understood anyway.
taking things lightly doesnt mean taking things easily.
not that it's easy to get on with deciding.
whatever.
i am sick now. i dont want to think anymore.
to think that i actually am down with flu again today.
just when i am supposed to be preparing for the big day.
friday and saturday.
i hope i live till then to get pass.
i am in need of the time to prepare. to focus.
i want to think of nothing else but stay focus on what needs to be done.
sick. stressed. whatever it is.
i need some strength. i need some help.
whatever. i'll soon be dead anyway.
sis, ps, whoever that understands, is it wrong of me?
is it me trying to be funny?
is it too silly to cast a decision based on a box of biscuits?
is it wrong to make such a bet? and treating the answer as true?
think i'm taking things too lightly?
i dont want to explain anymore.
what i explain will not be understood anyway.
taking things lightly doesnt mean taking things easily.
not that it's easy to get on with deciding.
whatever.
i am sick now. i dont want to think anymore.
to think that i actually am down with flu again today.
just when i am supposed to be preparing for the big day.
friday and saturday.
i hope i live till then to get pass.
i am in need of the time to prepare. to focus.
i want to think of nothing else but stay focus on what needs to be done.
sick. stressed. whatever it is.
i need some strength. i need some help.
whatever. i'll soon be dead anyway.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
gamble
today. i took a gamble. a gamble with fate.
some things. i took long to decide. today. i thought that i should come to a decision.
i was at the library at first. after that went to the ntuc nearby. cos i had a cravings for chips and decided to get myself one packet.
so what i gambled on was a box of pizza biscuits. it just came into my mind. the pizza biscuits that i like. and i usually can get it at cold storage. i dont know about ntuc. so i took the gamble.
i told myself. if i can find that box of biscuits among the shelves that i go through. my decision would be yes.
otherwise, no would be the answer.
in the end, the conclusion. the answer was no.
how silly i was. isnt it so? how cheap. i almost didnt want to believe that the decision have to be no. i actually went through the shelves again. still, the result was the same.
no. no. no.
no matter how hard i tried to convince myself it was a silly game. a bet made was a bet made.
in the end, i decided no.
i dont know. but i actually believe in fate.
to me, i have this idea that in this world, everything is predestined.
having come to this world, plans have been made for each and every one of us.
to think i actually took the gamble so seriously. at times, i wonder why i am like that.
i hate to be so persistent in things.
i hate to sound cliche.
i hate to seem so old-fashioned in my way of thinking.
i hate to be indecisive.
i hate to have so many things that i dont know.
sigh. i only know.
coming to a decision, letting go, facing facts.
they all take courage. courage that i am learning to take up.
it's tearing me up. i have nvr known what it is like. to think one way. yet choose another.
am i fickle?
i'm indecisive.
simply cos i am indecisive. most probably choosing no is the best answer to things.
the tv show i am watching now have a background sound.
"follow your heart, follow your dreams..."
can i really do that?
sigh. i also cant really figure out what i am saying.
confused. lost. tired.
sorry. for being indecisive. sorry.
i feel like going out. somewhere. escaping.
feel like going to the beach. so long. since i ever let myself feel the sea breeze.
feel like going on a holiday. somewhere till i can really find peace in my heart.
some things. i took long to decide. today. i thought that i should come to a decision.
i was at the library at first. after that went to the ntuc nearby. cos i had a cravings for chips and decided to get myself one packet.
so what i gambled on was a box of pizza biscuits. it just came into my mind. the pizza biscuits that i like. and i usually can get it at cold storage. i dont know about ntuc. so i took the gamble.
i told myself. if i can find that box of biscuits among the shelves that i go through. my decision would be yes.
otherwise, no would be the answer.
in the end, the conclusion. the answer was no.
how silly i was. isnt it so? how cheap. i almost didnt want to believe that the decision have to be no. i actually went through the shelves again. still, the result was the same.
no. no. no.
no matter how hard i tried to convince myself it was a silly game. a bet made was a bet made.
in the end, i decided no.
i dont know. but i actually believe in fate.
to me, i have this idea that in this world, everything is predestined.
having come to this world, plans have been made for each and every one of us.
to think i actually took the gamble so seriously. at times, i wonder why i am like that.
i hate to be so persistent in things.
i hate to sound cliche.
i hate to seem so old-fashioned in my way of thinking.
i hate to be indecisive.
i hate to have so many things that i dont know.
sigh. i only know.
coming to a decision, letting go, facing facts.
they all take courage. courage that i am learning to take up.
it's tearing me up. i have nvr known what it is like. to think one way. yet choose another.
am i fickle?
i'm indecisive.
simply cos i am indecisive. most probably choosing no is the best answer to things.
the tv show i am watching now have a background sound.
"follow your heart, follow your dreams..."
can i really do that?
sigh. i also cant really figure out what i am saying.
confused. lost. tired.
sorry. for being indecisive. sorry.
i feel like going out. somewhere. escaping.
feel like going to the beach. so long. since i ever let myself feel the sea breeze.
feel like going on a holiday. somewhere till i can really find peace in my heart.
Monday, April 25, 2005
officially broke
i've got a declaration to make.
i'm now officially broke. sigh. i spent too much.
now, i have to freeze the rest of my pay. gonna have to survive on 30 bucks for the rest of the week until may starts. this means. i cant go out shopping anymore.
but well. not shopping is no big deal.
this week i wouldnt have the time to shop anyway. interview and written test coming up on friday and saturday. bless me. i hope things will go on fine. i'm still unprepared.
suddenly, i realised. why. that's the hardest question to answer. i havent really tried to ask why. cos there's so many whys that i cannot find answers to. i have often asked myself. why. why i want to choose sthg as my ambition. i've nvr managed to find the answers. why i feel this way. i also nvr realised the reason to it. why i choose to certain things. not only others are puzzled, i am puzzled too.
so i'm still trying to figure out certain things. things that i want to be sure of myself too. and of course, i am trying to fill up that form so that i am ready for interview. they sure will ask me why. sigh. this world should just get rid of the word why.
today. went library.
was walking to the library from home.
almost sparained my left ankle while walking. how silly. i was in track shoes for goodness sake.
see how clumsy i can be? lucky i caught hold of the railings at the side. or else i would fall right into the road.
phew, didnt hurt myself. just a sudden pain.
stayed at the library for 2 hours only. didnt really manage to do much. sigh. i am running out of time to prepare. and yet. cos i wanted to sleep more. i didnt have enough time to study. hmm. stupid me.
walked home from library.
almost spained my right ankle while walking. yes. again. but just the other leg. sigh.
walking on the pavement then suddenly. pain again. but this time no railings to hold on to.
but. i'm ok. it always happen. i am just so clumsy. imagine what haps if i were wearing heels. sigh. that's hopeless.
intend to go library again tmr. stressed over friday. sigh. i need to work very very hard.
this time. it's do or die.
i'm now officially broke. sigh. i spent too much.
now, i have to freeze the rest of my pay. gonna have to survive on 30 bucks for the rest of the week until may starts. this means. i cant go out shopping anymore.
but well. not shopping is no big deal.
this week i wouldnt have the time to shop anyway. interview and written test coming up on friday and saturday. bless me. i hope things will go on fine. i'm still unprepared.
suddenly, i realised. why. that's the hardest question to answer. i havent really tried to ask why. cos there's so many whys that i cannot find answers to. i have often asked myself. why. why i want to choose sthg as my ambition. i've nvr managed to find the answers. why i feel this way. i also nvr realised the reason to it. why i choose to certain things. not only others are puzzled, i am puzzled too.
so i'm still trying to figure out certain things. things that i want to be sure of myself too. and of course, i am trying to fill up that form so that i am ready for interview. they sure will ask me why. sigh. this world should just get rid of the word why.
today. went library.
was walking to the library from home.
almost sparained my left ankle while walking. how silly. i was in track shoes for goodness sake.
see how clumsy i can be? lucky i caught hold of the railings at the side. or else i would fall right into the road.
phew, didnt hurt myself. just a sudden pain.
stayed at the library for 2 hours only. didnt really manage to do much. sigh. i am running out of time to prepare. and yet. cos i wanted to sleep more. i didnt have enough time to study. hmm. stupid me.
walked home from library.
almost spained my right ankle while walking. yes. again. but just the other leg. sigh.
walking on the pavement then suddenly. pain again. but this time no railings to hold on to.
but. i'm ok. it always happen. i am just so clumsy. imagine what haps if i were wearing heels. sigh. that's hopeless.
intend to go library again tmr. stressed over friday. sigh. i need to work very very hard.
this time. it's do or die.
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