deep slumber

falling into the disease. the disease of a deep slumber. slept a lot. very long. and i just dont want to wake up. today ying keep waking me before she goes out. i just "orh..." and i slept for one more hour. think i slept around 11 hours. going mad already. i think i am allowing myself to sleep more. subconsciously, i dont want to wake up. cos waking up means facing all those things that i have to do. waking up also means facing facts in life. waking up also means facing another so dead day of working.

well. today is better i guess. i finally got down to doing things. applied to nus and ntu for courses already. now trying to settle for scholarships. nanyang scholarship also done. i just need to go down and get teachers' appraisal. nus one i a little confused on what i need to do. trying to get dbs done through brightsparks but the documents seem to take very long to load. i'm still waiting now. today gonna most prob give up gb unless i can be done soon with dbs. well. higher efficiency. maybe that's the way i am. when i want to get things done. i can be rather quick with them. kind of like the mentality that i have. once i get the point straight that i want to do. i finish it off. and then after that i can enjoy all i can. that's the way i want it to be. hopefully things go well. after this week, i can really heave a sigh of relief and then move on. i hope i will move on.

need to really thank joel and ps. thanks for showing your concern. reading my blog doesnt dampen your mood too i hope. there are many who are fretting over scholarships and uni just like me. i just ranted on and on. thanks for asking if i am ok. i am getting on better. really appreciate words from you all. you people are blessings to me. a big hug and a big thank you!

and of course. thanks sis. for encouraging me. i always get very happy when you say i write well. cos no one really tells me that. my gp teacher doesnt. at least that's for sure. thanks for your advice. thanks for reassuring me again and again that i can go through this well enough. thanks for giving me guidance. thanks. loads of them. really. despite the fact that i am disturbing you late in the night (for you) and you still have your own schoolwork to manage, you still gave time to me to ask you questions when i am so lost. thanks girl. cant really express how grateful i am for your help. it may seem so so so minute. but you actually have done a lot. you boosted my morale. really encouraged me to press on. i will.

just now went jogging. 2 km. 5 rounds that is. slackened a bit. usually do 6 but today 5 and then walked 2 rounds. helped to destress a bit. i am really feeling better. now home alone and i am blasting songs to make myself feel less alone. i hate to think that i am stuck with all those apps and i am a loner. haha. well, since i can haha, i am lots better already. i gonna try remain so positive this week. surviving. and i will survive this week. friday. when everything comes to an end. good or bad. we shall see.

a fool

a fool is writing something here.

i am getting stressed out. i dont know how to start. dont know how to begin. dont know how to really get things done. deadline is this week. i gonna hate it as time pass. what should i begin with? goodness. i'm too dumb to be a scholar. i'm just banging my head against the wall trying to figure out how i gonna fill in those horrid online forms. argh. i really cannot make it this time. i am feeling tired. i dont know how to start. i dont even have nice qualifications to show people. i need teachers for reference. and it's the school holidays this week. how am i going to find them? i want to give up. give up on myself. i was telling my mum that i am really directionless. i dont know what to do. well. she isnt of much help. dont think she understands the way i am feeling now. i feel trapped. i feel upset. i feel horrible. i dont think highly of myself. and simply that's why i really think i am not able to get those scholarships done. it seems really really highly impossible for me to get them done now. i dont know what to choose. what courses to take. disillusioned. nothing is a consolidation to me. i feel really really really really so lost. alone. in this stupid race. maybe i am not. but i feel like i am. it's silly. really. i need help. hope. i just need the scholarship to drop from the sky to me. argh. call that lazy on my part. but i really log in to that darn website. look at those blanks that i am to fill and i get a blank in my mind. seriously. how can i go on?

anyway. a fool on the loose today. went out today. lunched with flo, mich, joel, gordon and eugene. ya. learnt a little. maybe a lot. i must say. then went library. boring day la. just went library. borrowed some books which hopefully helps in making up my mind. to law or not to law. i dont think i really am cut out for law anyway. maybe reading just might convince me that i wasnt wrong. walked home. then very tired. but still went to tutor. came back. tried to get things done. and that's what i felt. see those complaints above? i am going crazy with all those things now. really. i hate it. if only. if only things drop from the sky when you ask for them. wishing. hoping.

if only i could turn back time. a song that suddenly popped into my mind. long long time ago song i guess. not very popular but by this duo aqua. i wondered what i want to change if only i can turn back time. i would want time to slow down. i want to start doing all these applications earlier. i want to decide on what i want to do better. i want to have not made that wrong decision. i want my dad to still be here. i want my life to be great. i want to not have eaten so much fast food years years back. ya. if only. there's so many things i want to change. i'm a fool walking aimlessly in this life. let me be born a genius next time please.

extreme boredom

i dont really have much to say. but well. just say sthg cos my blog seem so quiet. beginning to feel like it's just myself here. maybe it is. born to be a loner. i gladly accept that if that's what is decided for me.

bored. very bored. called back to work on saturday for this week. kind of really sadded. cos i only knew of it on friday. damn sian. one day before then know. really hate to work these days. if not for the money, i cant be bothered. indeed, i rather earn money then spend money. so that mindset sort of keeps me going. beginning to really feel programmed to do certain things. life's for me is really dull and it's just way too routinal so far.

i need a red light in my life. traffic light. need some break. havent really got down to settling for uni. i need to get applications for scholarship done by the coming week if i still want to give myself a chance for it. starting tomorrow i'll work more on apps and play less. indeed i need to focus and start to set my priorities again. getting increasingly disillusioned. cos the fact is that. despite all the choices available, i cant fix my mind on what i want to get. i still have no direction. no road that i want to take. 10 15 years down the road. this is the time i really need to think and plan far. it isnt easy and i am getting really worn out. i hope i'll see some light before it's too late for me to do anything. got to just keep psychoing myself. "zhien, just decide on those that you have been thinking of. apply all and see what haps." maybe that's the way i really should do instead of just saying. it's just so hard. too much choices can also be a problem isnt it? or is it just me? indecisive. useless. unfoucused. lazy. crazy. i wonder. maybe maybe. life's making a fool of me big time.

one week passed

one week after collecting results. honestly, i havent done much. i think i am slowly giving up. giving up on scholarship applications. they are due next week for most i think. i really need to do sthg. and yet. next week is school holidays. most of the teachers wont be down in school and it'll be really troublesome to get things done. cos there are things that need them to recommend. and i dont really know those teachers well. the same goes for them. i am some quiet student that try to whisk my way through school. i am just noisy with friends. in school those teacher wouldnt lift their heads to look at me. so well. it's hard to get things up. call me low self-esteem. telling myself that i cannot make it. but seriously. it isnt exactly easy. filling those forms can be crazy. and i really am going crazy.

just now went ps' place to jog jog in the morning. very tired. so hard to wake up early these days. but well. ran around a bit. feeling like i havent done much. tuesday i didnt jog cos went with ying to clinic see doctor. then hor also a bit sian also. damn. i am like out a lot eating and eating. and yet. i am not doing enough to shed those extra off. argh. getting very very bothered. eee. hate this la. i should be borned with high metabolic rate. then i can eat and eat and dont worry. if only.

then went her place. snacked a lot. hehe. her mum's a good baker. haha. very nice cookies around. i made myself at home. haha. very bad leh. then at her place watch jay chou's incomparable concert vcd. oooo. haha. he looks damn cool with the piano. haha. very very talented. not bad la. the concert. i like the songs. yay. then now can save up on getting that. thanks girl. haha. so end up stay there until around 10. haha. very slack.

later have to go work. i am like so freaking sian already. cant wait for time to pass and get back to school. i need some challenge. intellectually. i am brain-dead soon. haha. sry la. i am a mugger. so i'll just be most probably hugging my books most of the time. i'm sure. haha. but i rather do sthg in school then rot at home. thinking what i can most probably do.

sigh. university applications. i havent got down to do also. argh. ok. i need to focus and work.

day out

went out early in the morn to post things to sis. should reach within 2 to 4 days. mum paid the postage so stop thanking me girl.

then after that walked back home again. online and rested a while before meeting tee seng for lunch. nice of him to go vegetarian with me today. haha. cos i have to and he just say it's ok with him. so went to the one at bugis that i know is very nice. i paid for the meal while he paid for drinks. lol. me disadvantaged. haha. but doesnt matter la. he'll be in ns soon and i doubt there'll be other chances. then after that walked around bras brasah where there was a book fair. got an organic chem book. i thought it'll be useful for ying and i also can read up myself. so affordable. 2.40 only. haha. good buy.

after that walked to parco and he treated me to eclairs from that beard papa shop. nice. really tasty. not very sweet. just nice. :) then after that we walked around a bit. muji. then after that we walked to plaza singapura from bugis. haha. first time. walked to raffles city first and then pass new smu campus. got to plaza singapura after that. haha. cool. exercise after meal. quite healthy. he met his ac friend. then just sat down and chat. haha. so funny la. talked crap with them although not very familiar with the people. rubbish. haha. then after that took bus home. just in time for tutoring.

i made zc's day bad today. haha. at tutoring i criticised him for being so slow. haha. very bad la. being very mean. but he just keeps giggling. i say i gonna make him hate me forever. and he copied the exact same words and told me that. well. he's just some child. so today is crappy day la. just doing rubbish around.

stepping back

today really worn out. i was yawning while i was tutoring. felt really bad. like a little irresponsible on my part as a tutor. my student was look at me. when i explained halfway and started to yawn. haha. quickly covered my mouth. basic courteousy i guess. that's the least i can do. really bad. then went straight to tutor another student. cos dont want to be very late for class gathering.

in the end still late la. i had to go get the cake. then after that walked to cineleisure to meet the class. had dinner. had the cake. then we were like. what's next. haha. no one knew. then some suggested movie. then end up taking lift to the cinema. then see the time slots. the girls backed out. gave the movie a miss. i had to be home by 12. so well. no movie. the guys went ahead. so went separate ways. bet they are having fun lanning now. haha. nothing else they'll be doing at this time. kind of typical. then the girls went to coffee club just across the street. the 6 of us bought 3 cups of drinks and share among ourselves. simply cos it's way too ex. took iced mocha vanilla. heavenly. but if really nvr share, can burn a hole in the pocket. but well. sweet indulgence. pampering myself a lot these days. not bad la. the drinks. but not really really fantastic i must say. i enjoy mocha. but. it's still not worth the amount paid. personal comments. no harm intended. maybe i am just being fussy.

then come home so shag. i am tired la. 3 hours of sleep and tried to survive this whole day. game a bit already then i sian liao. then now end game le. going off to sleep.

tmr still need to do things. being postgirl zhien again. sending parcel to sis again. i wonder if i even have the energy to crawl to ghim moh. shag leh. after that lunching with teeseng. last chance. haha. sounds as if like yong bie le. haha. but well. going in ns sure means hard to meet up. the same goes for every single classmate of mine. all like so hard to contact leh. but well. tmr have to eat vegetarian food. gonna think of somewhere nice. or else i starve myself. haha. going to push tuition time back so that i can go out and eat. very bad hor. but zc would be nice to allow me to tutor him at 5. i hope. i plan everything out packed nicely. so it's gonna have to work out.

beginning to take steps back. moving on yet looking back. thinking a lot these days. hope i am thinking along the right track. need to settle schooling. need to be more positive. no need to enjoy le. i think i have splurge enough for these few days. need to be happier. i keep getting very easily irritated. especially when mum keeps telling me to get this done get that done. i am like pissed off la. very lazy these days. need to really look forward move forward and be thankful the way things are for now. i hope there's a good ending to this. i dont want to sink and sink and sink. want to move on and on. time pass please. but pass at a time i can manage. i'm asking for too much, aint i?

sleepless

hmm. very bad. yesterday sleep so much. today cant even sleep much and i have a long day ahead of me. goodness.

slept at 4.30 am or so last night. didnt on the air-con cos ying is sick. and if i were to on the air-con, the cold air will be blowing directly at her. so i used the fan. give up cos the fan was blowing at me directly at speed 1. feel so cold. just switched it off. after that woke up at 7.30 am. sian bo. 3 hours of sleep. stupid mosquito bites. made me so itchy until i cant sleep anymore. wanted to just try and sleep more but just cant. maybe too many things going on in my mind. sian. set to think so early in the morning. now i am rotting time away. smsed. planning to lunch tmr with tee seng. cos he going in ns on 11th. there goes my companion. haha. trying to find classmates that are free to lunch too. argh. this is bad. last minute work and lunch seems so off. haha. no choice la. evening give his family better. and i rather stay at home. hope everything goes out properly planned. i am a lousy organiser for things.

busy for today. tutoring all the way at ang mo kio. luckily it's only once a week. or else i will really faint having to travel so far. class outing tonight. i hope everything is fine. i hope i can save a bit. i am going really broke soon at this rate. going out so often that it's getting scary. haha. i hope today will be a good day. argh. i am bored la. so i am blogging rubbish here.