mixed ramblings

cant think of a proper title.
very sick to think.
flu again.
sigh. i guess it's cos the rain today.

the morning.
woke up in a shock at 6.45.
supposed to have planned to wake up earlier.
told my mum to wake me up at 6 but well. i overslept.
then hurriedly got ready to get out of my place. 7.30.
was raining early in the morn.
headed for yuhsin's place.
gonna send him off today. going back to his beloved country.
thought i was going to be late cos of the rain.
but surprisingly the trains today are so co-operative and i reached so early.
then. walked to his place from the lrt station.
was lazy to get my umbrella out. so the j5 senior with me offered to share his umbrella with me.
haha. end up my shoes very slippery and keep threatening to leave itself behind.
then argh. yea so it slipped off my feet. and then we were like in front and my one shoe was left at the back.
end up hopping back to retrieve my shoe and yea. during that short time i was in the rain.
so i guess that worsen my already bad enough flu.
now i am totally like bleh. i want to die.
reached the house then yea we each helped to carry his luggage. then went to take the bus.
lol. the bag with his passport.
then i was saying what if i talk and talk and forget about it when we get off the train.
haha.
reached buigs change train to tanah merah then to changi airport.
i got assigned the so called most important piece of luggage.

after that checked in his luggage and then yea we sit down and ate.
shared a subway meal with yuhsin.
first time i try a subway sandwich. haha. not too bad. i still love the cookie better.
talked joked.
oh and yea i got a gift. haha. supposed to be the one giving him a gift but yea.
ever since i have became how thick-skinned i manage to ask for gifts!
while carrying his bag i saw this super cute m&m's star wars thing. then i was asking. what's this.
then he just said "if you want i can give it to you."
sounds really funny the way he says it. cos yea. i just made a passing comment.
haha. end up. of course. i am thick-skinned enough to take it la.
who doesnt want. it's so cute.
it's a m&m's mini dispenser. haha. yoda.
thanks man. so give me face.
but yea. i was kind of bad. didnt get him sthg before he left. really slipped my mind.
sigh.
ok. then after that near the time to board the plane and so. parted ways.
cos of my flu it appeared that my eyes are teary and then. so funny. seems as if crying like that.
haha. how funny la. the other people were asking. how come i crying. i was like no. my flu is making my eyes very teary.
haha. how silly-looking.

after that was very tired. cos hardly wake up so early.
and plus the flu.
was really really tired.
headed home and wanted to try and catc some sleep but by the time i got back. i only had like around 30 mins. before i have to get out again to go tutor.
made myself something hot to drink just so that i might feel better.
end up didnt.
sigh.
i slept on the train la. very tired.

then tutoring.
yea. was sneezing a lot. kept apologising to my student. cos yea i feel like it's not really nice to be passing my germs to her.
then yea it was really nice of her.
after that went back home. cos one other tuition got cancelled.
good thing also.
i wouldnt be in the condition to handle another student also.
then got some stuff around amk central then headed back home.

finished reading the 8th book.
so i am officially crazy. i finished all 8 in a week.
after that really cannot take it and went to sleep.
now awake. and i dont feel any better. what crap.
ok. i gonna sleep a lot tonight.
sigh. i hate it lor. really feel like shit.
cant think any more.

tmr is another day that awaits me. i need to get better. :)

meeting up

today woke up very late.
cos i spent the night reading book.
slept at 4 plus am.
haha. so the lazy bum me woke up late.
nothing to do early in the morning also.
haha.

now.
finished the 7th book.
off to complete my 8th.
how cool is that.
i gonna make a record breaking stunt. reading 8 books in one week.
haha. i can really be labelled a bookworm already.

after that.
met lai hung for dinner.
it's been so long.
i keep telling her since jan. we'll meet up some day when i have the time.
haha.
i am such a horrid procrastinator.
so this promise made since jan came true after 4 months close to 5.
yea. thai express dinner.
very full. and we get to talk a lot. which is good.
then walked around city link raffles city and suntec trying to get her her belated bday gift.
all the walking around. then good thing is really did get her sthg.
haha.
then after that. went to starbucks for coffee.
oh man. i am going to fall in love. fall in love with these kind of relaxing stuff.
sitting in a cafe. sipping coffee. listening to mp3. reading a book. or chatting with a really nice friend.
really had a nice and relaxing time tonight.
at least i would say it is time well-spent. :)

last?

tian xia wu bu san zhi yan si. this phrase that i once learnt from my secondary school's higher chinese textbook.
yea. parting with my job.
the job that i have been juggling for close to 4 years.
indeed i have grown so accustomed to doing things there.
and i seriously can be obsessed with my work.
workaholic me. workaholic zhien.
yea. so today at work. had mixed feelings.
dont really know i should be happy. or sad.
happy cos i really am giving myself a really good break this time.
really going to slack until i feel so sian of slacking.
sad cos it's the last day i am working at that place.
and during this period of time, the people i've met. they have been really nice to me.
thanks people. most probably you guys wont know.
but well. sometimes it's the people at the place that makes work enjoyable.
and i guess i experienced that.
no doubt i have been pissed about the job before. and i have again and again cant wait to get out of that place.
still, i must say i liked it there.
dont ever think i can find a nice working env.
even though i am working.
i feel pampered.
so many things that i dont have to really get down to doing. simply cos.
the manager is nice to me.
everyone else is too.
a little she bu de. but still. who doesnt want a good break.
will really enjoy dropping by once in a while to really say a big hi to everyone.

today morning.
class gathering. breakfast.
eeps. i was the first to reach.
i already tried my best to leave my house at the right time so that i wont be waiting for too long.
sigh.
yea. end up so few people came.
only me lindy and james were on time.
zx was late but he made an effort to cab down. how nice.
joseph was late too. but he came down even though he somehow didnt feel like? (just a guess)
eugene was late. but well. he was the earliest among the latest.
so a class gathering ended up with 6 people.
had breakfast at wang jiao at ps.
then after that didnt quite know what to do.
and the guys esp james. wanted to lan.
lol.
end up. the 6 of us went lanning.
gosh. me and lindy included.
how amazing.
haha. yea. so for the first time in my life. i played dota on my own as player.
haha. how really amazingly cool. cos the first time i knew what the game is like was rather recent?
haha. and i did play a bit cos taitik gentlemanly let me tried it out for a while before i really declare that i give up.
haha.
yea. so i picked my own team mates. of course knowing how pro james is. i volunteered myself to be in his team. haha.
end up. played a 3 v 3 game. me james and eugene in one team. lindy zx and joseph in another.
haha. and i am super duper clumsy in the game.
at first they all ignore me. so i was more than glad.
my character in the game wasnt being slaughtered.
haha.
after that lindy left. end up 3 v 2 kind of. haha. then end up the 2 guys adopted other strategy and i end up dying a lot of times so i practically sit there and did nothing much.
(if i am not wrong. lindy and i was the only 2 females in that shop we went. haha. so after she left. i am the only crazy female left in that lan shop with guys shouting in the background curses when they simply fail to do sthg. haha. ever so refreshing to enter somewhere new and find out sthg really really like totally out of your own world.)
for the first game, of course we won. cos we have james on our team.
second game we joined someone else. and they had 3 people and we had 5. to make it a 4 v 4 game. the 4 guys happily volunteered me to the other team.
sry man. those guys dont have much luck.
conclusion. second game i lost. cos james was on the other team!

end up. played for 2.5 hours or so. wah lao.
7 bucks.
sianz. my money ah. so end up i concluded that. lanning is a waste of money.
haha. no doubt all the excitement.
zx was commenting that i am going to be so crazy over the game that they'll find me in some lan shop every weekend. crap la. haha. i am not that CRAZY yet.
i dont have that kind of shit money and time to waste.
and somehow. i was a lousy player yet the 4 of them were commenting that i am quite good for a beginner.
do you all love to say such nice comments to encourage more people to participating in your lan activities? haha. pyscho-ing me?

still. a fantastic day.
yet.
not really very happy.
dont know why.
but just seems down. a little. the mood. just cant seem to get any better.
feel like getting away.
a trip maybe.
i really need a break. i guess.

what is my world view?

You scored as Postmodernist.
Postmodernism is the belief in complete open interpretation. You see the universe as a collection of information with varying ways of putting it together. There is no absolute truth for you; even the most hardened facts are open to interpretation. Meaning relies on context and even the language you use to describe things should be subject to analysis.

Postmodernist 81%
Fundamentalist 69%
Existentialist 56%
Cultural Creative 50%
Idealist 50%
Modernist 44%
Materialist 44%
Romanticist 44%

What is Your World View? (corrected...again)
created with QuizFarm.com

lonely

sigh.
finally i have a saturday that i feel so free.
sigh.
loneliness.
i really wonder.
february i decided to cut down working on saturday.
thought i needed the time off.
to really have a time to myself.
now. i am beginning to think that i have chosen to embrace loneliness.
ever since that very day.
silly right?
and from this week onwards.
i'll stop working.
left only with tutoring.
now beginning to think that i'm only allowing myself more time.
more time to feel lonely.
just now.
ended tuition.
2 hours is all i have to work today.
i can sleep pass the morning.
but once after tuition.
when you are wide awake.
nothing to do.
only then i realised.
how dumb. a choice i made then only to land myself with myself.
yes. beside myself.
that's what i think of being lonely.
sigh.
stupid right?

saw this in a program booklet that ying got back from her school's cultural potpourri.
"everybody had dreams even though we do not always remember them. dreams are reflections of our underlying thoughts and feelings. very often, we are unable to figure out the meaning of our dreams. it is believed that images and symbols in our dreams hold certain meanings, but it is how we interpret them that adds uncertainty to this predictable world of ours."
dont know why but i find this interesting.
i have nvr been able to recall what i dreamt of most of the time.
but yet. i dream a lot.
what they mean. i dont know.
what makes me more uncertain is the fact that i dont understand why i would even dream of certain things.
absurd?
maybe that's the way my life is.
totally absurd.
totally crazy.
totally shitty.

sigh.
sad life.
how much i wish i dont have to embrace loneliness.
how much i wish i can just sleep on. dream on.
and dont have to wake up to feel uncertain simply cos what i dreamt contradicts reality.
how much i wish i didnt exist in the first place.
how much i wish i havent grown up.
how much i wish life is not that complicated.
how much i wish i dont have to look at thought-provoking things and look so deep into things.
how much i wish that i can just disappear from this world.
how much i wish i dont have to move front. cos i want to step back.

just now a thought just flashed across my mind.
the harder you want to forget, the harder you can forget.
true? or is it just a silly thought on my part?
i can be forgetful. i forget so much details in my past 18 years of life.
yet. some things.
no matter how i want to erase them and bury them at the back of my brain,
i cant forget.
sigh.

sad person?
that's me.

retard

gosh.
my friday the 13th came later? erm. like by 1 week?
damn. (ok. not again. i use it way too often.)
so next time i shall brand my unlucky day friday the 20th.
how cool.
my unlucky day comes as if it is retarded. like me? maybe.

sigh.
this is what haps.

first. today at work.
i scalded my hand when i accidentally touched a hot part of the warmer.
now my hand has this rather small patch left cos of it.
hope it wouldnt be a permanent scar.
but well. it's not a big deal. small thing also.
but just goes to show how shit it can get when you get unlucky.
i have been working there for years. and yet. such small things can happen?
how crap.

second. when i got home.
dont know for what reason.
i was pulling my front gate open.
and somehow. either cos i was too tired. or it's seriously that freakingly unlucky.
i rammed the gate into my face.
how weird la.
i have been living in this flat since i am born.
and such a dumb thing can happen.
gosh.
i almost wanted to cry.
hurts. crying was cos i whacked near the nose bridge.
kind of the natural reaction to want to tear.
and so the left side of my face was hurting for a few minutes.
crap.

that's not all.
third. i stepped into the toilet to wash my feet.
and then. i almost slipped.
thank goodness i held on to the sides fast enough.
i cant imagine how crap it'll get if i fall. cos i'll most probably hit my head hard.

and.
last. phew. finally the last.
i still end up slipping.
the second time i step into the bathroom.
i slipped and end up sitting on the bathroom floor.
crap la.
it's totally so embarrassing.
but i find it more silly.
cos the second, third and last incident happen like within 15 minutes?
i was telling my mum that i slipped and i couldnt help but giggle like mad.
cos it just seem so silly.
and it just seem so horribly suay i was?

sigh.
but well.
not the whole day was bad.

in fact. if not for those.
i would say today is splendid!

morning went to the chalet with sis.
to settle the catering stuff for her make-up bday celebration.
yea.
and the chalet is super classy.
at least the reception area looked way better than those chalets i have been to.
it's almost like a mini hotel.
woah.
looks like i can really anticipate loads of fun when the day comes.
however the deposit had to be paid in cash.
and we didnt have enough with us.
i ran around the area to find an atm machine.
still ok.
but i think i took some time. cos sis called me to check if i can manage to get an atm machine.

after that. we went walking around white sands.
end up in the library.
omg.
haha. i am becoming a horrible bookworm.
crazy already.
yea. i borrowed one more book. so that makes up 8. i fully utilised ying's and my cards.
completed 3 books already so far.
grins. :)
if i can finish the other 5 by thurs next week i'll really be convinced that i am mad.

yea. worked today. the last friday i'll be working there.
sis went to my workplace to go back with me after work.
we end up going to mc cafe for a drink before heading home.
at first wanted starbucks or coffee bean.
but those places were too crowded.
so end up we went to the alternative.
i had cappucino.
and we had a good talk.
thanks sis. for the coffee treat.

tmr. finally no more guitar prac in the morn. so i can sleep later.
sigh. kind of miss playing it though.
not a good player. but i enjoy indulging in music.
sigh. if only my parents sent me to learn some musical instrument when i was young.
expecting a very relaxing day.
most probably i'll get down to reading again.
yes. AGAIN.
very no life. but well. at least i'm doing something.

bleh. sobs. argh.

damn damn damn.
haha. i am cursing again.
haha. how uncivilised.
who cares.
haha.
damn damn damn.
ok i got rejected.
so off i go to my second choice course for uni.
argh.
it wasnt an outright rejection.
they simply offered me my second choice for nus.
sigh. obvious enough. my first choice didnt get through.
dont know whether i should laugh or cry.
really.
i already expected it somehow.
when you go through all those shit. kind of expected that you cant get miracles out of shit.
haha.
hmmm. ntu bound i guess.
still have yet to accept them.
haha. i better dont procrastinate that too.
or else i will end up school-less.
and i will really cry and cry.
bleh.
rather disappointed. but well. even if they accept me i would be so blur about what to do also.
i might not handle it too.
so. let it be. :)

today was supposed to go out with ps.
but girl. you ffk me. (that's not a bad word ok... my friend teach me one. put me aeroplane in canto. shortened that's all. i am NOT cursing again hor...)
yea. so end up. i slept like pig.
aw crap.
i woke up so damn late.
simply cos i stayed up rather late last night.
haha.
last ep of full metal alchemist last night on scv. i watched and i actually cried over an anime.
how silly is that?
ok. i am highly unstable.
yea. i didnt really know it was the last ep. i missed out so much eps. gonna catch them back.
haha.
then. i off-ed all the lights.
watch identity alone in my dark living room.
waaaaa. haha. i know how to create atmosphere leh.
end up i was jumping at some point in the show cos it can get really shocking at times.
haha. how stupid right?
i did all those to make myself scared.
bleh.

end up sleeping late. then woke up late lor.

after that went library.
cos i successfully finished my 4 books that i borrowed a week ago.
today i borrowed 7.
thanks to ying's library card.
i can borrow more.

then at the library. lucky me.
i found the last 2 books of the celestial zone.
the ones that i missed out simply cos i graduated from sec 4 and cant borrow from jeff anymore.
found it and i sat there reading comics.
haha.
cool.
finally i read it to the end.
and i simply love xing ling.
haha. the character. ok. i am mad.

after that got home.
and i just finished one of the seven books i borrowed.
think i should be able to get one more down later.
i am going mad over books i think.
sigh. nothing to do.
so i indulge in books.
hehe.
most prob off to jog later.
was contemplating jogging in the rain just now.
but well.
the way i put things off.
the rain is about to stop.
so yea. i gonna try to drag myself to track later.
bleh.

thursday thursday.
it's yet another week.

"what if every choice we ever make was already made for us? what if there really were no coincidences in life and our destinies were already predestined?"
took this from the back of that vcd casing for the movie identity.
food for thought?