if i really wanted to be a great friend, i would...

this is the title of a book that a friend gave to me as a bday gift when i was 17.
close to 2 years back.

was looking at it and of cos thinking.

the things that are mentioned in the book.
if i really wanted to be a great friend, i would...
be hospitable.
learn to keep confidences.
greet friends with genuine enthusiasm.
keep short accounts.
believe in the best of people.
look for what i can give.
be aware of the power of touch.
give token gifts.
learn to compliment people.
become an active listener.
be vulnerable.
write notes.
ask for God's help.
read about friendship.
make myself available to help out.
be sensitive to schedules.
be sensitive to preferences.
be inquisitive.
look for common interests.
be willing to make the introductions.
be sensitive to the issue of children.
learn to use e-mail.
practice speaking positively.
be careful not to criticize others.
be a prompt responder.
never underestimate the power of a movie.
deal with my emotional baggage.
be there when the chips are down.
keep a birthday calendar.
offer to watch the kids.
love unconditionally.
clip articles and save coupons.
show up and show support.
commit to spiritual growth.
verbalize my feelings.
be honest.
be willing to share the things that move me.
be on time.
try not to take myself too seriously.
learn to celebrate.
try not to take others too seriously.
be tolerant of family pets.
join a Bible study group.
suggest we meet at my house.
treat someone to coffee or tea.
follow through.
resist the urge to be a know-it-all.
learn humility.
validate and elevate.
attend seminars and retreats.
seize the day.
resist the urge to be a fixer.
save the sermons.
create a safe place to share ideas.
forgive and accept forgiveness.
overcome my fear of making a mistake.
refrain from borrowing money.
be nice to my friend's families.
share the beauty of nature.
get a sense of humour.
refuse to "use" my friends.
look at the light side.
seek out self-improvement.
stop talking.
give flowers, plants, or fresh fruit.
use my phone to stay in touch.
seek out a mentor.
smile at piles.
be careful not to hold on too tight.
affirm possibility thinking.
think long term.
never underestimate the power of proximity.
allow for seasons of friendship.
minimize distractions.
take care of my body.
be careful not to put all my eggs in one basket.
watch my tongue.
pace myself.

these points.
cant help but think.
have i been a good friend?
those people who i say are my good friends, have i been a good friend to them?
i dont mean from what they see me as.
i mean the way i have treated them.
i cant help but feel as if i havent done enough for most of them.

close to 2 years since i have that book in my possession.
and more than once i have looked through it.
and yet. i have yet to fulfil so much and can really say that i have been a good friend.
i really hope i can be.
i am trying very hard to be.
especially to some.
but. what happens when the efforts to be one seem so ineffective?
i feel drained.
i feel useless.
i feel helpless.
what can i really do?
i care yet how do i voice my concern without scaring people off?

seriously, i value friends.
and sometimes, i just cant seem to do what i can so really keep them by my side.
am i too selfish?
am i too demanding?

none

cant think of a title.
anyway, was supposed to blog last night.
but well. i slept. was very tired.

anyway,
yesterday.

went jp at around 12 noon.
watching star wars ep3 with my some of my sec 4 classmates at 1.30.
so i actually went so early.
bought tickets.
got rather good seats. the last row. haha.

after that roam around jp on my own.
until 12.30. tee seng reached and yea the 2 of us just went around jp.
went arcade. he wanted to play some tennis thing. then dont have.
end up playing this drum thing.
that i totally embarrassed myself at.
then i laughed like mad. and missed a big part. end up he took over.
haha. how silly.
then played the basketball thing. wah. i can shoot better than him.
haha.
i missed lesser than him.
then he played some fighting game.
after that money all spent. zero card value.
so went ntuc to buy snacks to bring into the cinema.
haha.

then weisin called. yea. and communication error.
sry man. end up me and tee seng went to golden village.
cant find him.
then call him. he actually went to ntuc.
argh.
cos of me. so blur.

end up. waited for linjin.
yea. then we went in.
the movie was ok ok.
i expected more actions.
swish swish. light sabres.
but end up the movie was a lot about the whole tragedy thing. sigh. can they fight more?
haha.
and seriously if it's those stimulators seat thing. it'll be so much fun.
haha.
i want a purple light sabre.
i want to be able to fly those space crafts just as pro as anakin skywalker.
i want to have the wisdom that yoda have.
i want to possess that kind of force that yoda have. so huge although he's so small size.
sigh. so much wants. haha. greed might just turn me to the dark side.
haha. i am going crazy.

yea. after the movie we all nothing else to do.
so went separate ways.
but yay. i've got my second early bday gift. weisin gave me this cushion thing.
but sadly on it says "take time to be kind".
bleh. what does that hint man?
i cant whack him on the head with that. cos it'll only prove i am not kind enough.
haha.
but yea. i like it. cos the bear on it looks so cute.
thanks. :)
after that i went tee seng's house.
cos he said he might make a trip down to orchard to collect his levi's jeans.
wah lao. rich kid.
and yea. i was going to town later to meet my sisters also.
so went his place.
wah. then end up. super embarrassing.
i slipped and fell on the stairs. he was so shocked la.
all those really silly embarrassing things seem to happen right in front of him.
jinxed me?
haha.
so now my left hand. near the wrist there's a small swell.
on my right hand got a small dark purple like dot. most prob internal bleeding. press le will pain.
but well. it's still ok.
the first thing i did when i got up from the fall was laugh. cos i really find it silly that i can actually fall.
then at his place wait for him to pack his stuff.
and wah. i am amazed how smart he looks in his number 4.
haha.
cool.
then after that he decided that he should just go straight to pasir ris instead of dropping by orchard then go to book in.
haha. then i was telling him. so i went to your house just to fall.
haha. how dumb.
he was telling me to go get new shoes when i go orchard. then i was like "ya. i should."
but well. then took train together.
so funny la. i was standing beside some guy in army uniform. haha.

so after that i went to meet ying and sis at orchard.
shopped around.
had dinner at kfc.
bleh. spend money again.
then after that. went to get shoes. charles and keith shoes.
haha. hope this one doesnt give me any more probs.
yea. and i got skorts from op.
haha. sale makes me splurge.
have a lot of things that want to buy but yea. keep in view.
haha. not much money to buy all the stuff.

so basically that's all for the day.
just that i was very tired when i got home.
i was telling my sis to let me nap a while and wake me up to use the comp later.
then end up. she woke me up but i told her to let me sleep.
so yea.
for today. i have 14 hours of sleep.
11 pm to 2pm. how shiok.
i am amazed at how crazily i can pig.

but well.
so so day.
just cant help but feel down at times.
beginning to feel helpless at a lot of things.
there are many people that i want to care about and help. but there just seem to be nothing i can do.
a friend that has problems with uni and i cant do much to help.
a friend that just seems to have that really unhappy look and seems so troubled. yet doesnt seem to want to tell me and i cant do anything but just feel sad.
i dont know. so many things. that i need to do. even for myself. there are things i am trying to come to terms with. trying to get out of. trying to cast aside. trying to get out of my mind and stop myself from being bogged down by it.
yet. i feel as if i dont really possess that much strength to do all these.
for myself and for those people around me that i really truly care for.
what am i suppose to do?

sometimes i wish i am smarter.
not in terms of academic.
but smarter in terms of knowing more about the ways of life.
smarter to be able to give good advice. smarter enough to sense the problems.
smarter enough to get the solutions quick enough.
why arent i blessed with such abilities?
if there are things that i can trade to get such an ability. can i trade?

sigh. whatever.
may the force be with me.

ache

woke up today.
first lesson of the aerobics class thing.
now my thighs are aching like mad.
cos simply i am not really born with the natural flair for such things.
and also cos it was really a proper work out in months?!
yea. the teacher is nice.
but skipping next week class cos of the bday celebration thing.
[more updates when the date draws near]

got my year supply of contact lens.
sigh. spent a huge part of what i have left again.
not much money left.
and i am dying to get a proper gym wear to attend classes.
dying to get a new pair of specs simply cos the old one is way too old.
dying to geta whole load of stuff. argh.

tutored today.
was kind of tired by the time i was tutoring the second student.
gosh. sigh.
i hate to see myself as being irresponsible.
but i dont think i am not doing much.
argh.

went out with sis after that.
came home.
damn shit.

i really hate the way things are now.
an indecisive me who cant figure out what to choose for uni now.
disillusioned.
a helpless me that cant give proper advice to people around me.
a silly me that cant do anything to really help when i really want to.
a freaking-loser me without the right state of mouth to let the right words shoot out of my mouth so that i dont sound like an ah lian.
a lousy me that cant do anything to stop the people from saying that why cant they just die like now. when i feel the same way too?

if there's any easier way to die. i rather die. what kind of rubbish am i putting up with nights after nights.
the mess that i can never be able to clear.
the load that i can never be able to lift.
the little things that i can never be able to help out with and they end up pissing people off.
the crap that are brought up each time there's a fight that i can never bring myself to hear more.

seriously, what's the problem now?
there just seem to be nothing to start off with.
i can never really figure out why i allow myself to be in such shit.

sigh. cant wait for tmr.
ming tian hui geng hao.
how many times have i keep telling myself that.
maybe tmr.
i'll be out. heck. i really cant be bothered.

soak up the sun

today woke up.
finally made a trip to the library. returned the 8 books that i borrowed the week before.
borrowed 6 books this time.
cos had to help ps borrow 2 books.
bleh. hit the max for the 2 cards AGAIN!

after that got home slacked and get ready to meet ps.
recently cultivating this really bad habit.
very the last minute.
haha.

headed for sentosa.
finally. a day to get out into the sun and try and obtain a healthier look.
nice weather. really. the sun and all.
it's been so long since i really go to the beach.
next time must have big group. more fun!
haha.
and the conclusion is:
i love the nice scenery at the beach.
i still need to tan more to look healthier and not PALE.
i need to shed those fats. haha. damn. have been rotting too much at home. and eating too much.
haha.
yea. still. all the fun and all.
i am shag.

went to shop around harbourfront centre after leaving sentosa.
then met sis in orchard.
headed home.

down with one out of six books. five more to go.
still counting.
i am officially a bookworm.
a bookworm that's being bugged by the flu bug that just wont let me off.
come on ah. i need to get better. argh argh argh.

uploaded photos at the photo page. kind of figured out it's too much to post here.
shall just show 2 really nice pics that i like.

the view of palawan beach. hot afternoon with clear blue sky. woohoo.

the sun setting. really pretty sight. but ouch. my eyes cant take the brightness.

out

woke up late today.
tried to get rest so that i can recover from the flu.
sigh. not any better.
but i guess it's i should be ok soon.
sigh. flu is one big enemy of mine.

went out with ps after that.
walked around but i didnt spend on things.
nothing except eating a lot.
sigh. i am eating a lot.
argh. argh. argh.

ate. burger king student's meal. haha.
how thick-skinned. i just showed the student pass. not student exactly but well.
ate at crystal jade la mian xiao long bao. wah. super big bowl but super nice.
was so so so full after that.
ate peachie yami yougurt.
haha. very nice. but yea. kind of ex. but it's healthy.
drank ice blended mocha from delifrance.
gosh. coffee addiction.

really need to work out already. damn sian.
and also have to control my eating habits.
haha.

approaching the end of the month. broke ah.

haha. anyway. nothing much for today. i am crapping nonsense.
just wanted to post pics. pics that i took for the last few days.

starbucks coffee that i took on tues. frappacino caramel light. :)

sweet and nice

my gift that i got from yuhsin. starwars m&m's mini dispenser.

yoda. may the force be with you. hehe. it's so cuteeeeee.

mixed ramblings

cant think of a proper title.
very sick to think.
flu again.
sigh. i guess it's cos the rain today.

the morning.
woke up in a shock at 6.45.
supposed to have planned to wake up earlier.
told my mum to wake me up at 6 but well. i overslept.
then hurriedly got ready to get out of my place. 7.30.
was raining early in the morn.
headed for yuhsin's place.
gonna send him off today. going back to his beloved country.
thought i was going to be late cos of the rain.
but surprisingly the trains today are so co-operative and i reached so early.
then. walked to his place from the lrt station.
was lazy to get my umbrella out. so the j5 senior with me offered to share his umbrella with me.
haha. end up my shoes very slippery and keep threatening to leave itself behind.
then argh. yea so it slipped off my feet. and then we were like in front and my one shoe was left at the back.
end up hopping back to retrieve my shoe and yea. during that short time i was in the rain.
so i guess that worsen my already bad enough flu.
now i am totally like bleh. i want to die.
reached the house then yea we each helped to carry his luggage. then went to take the bus.
lol. the bag with his passport.
then i was saying what if i talk and talk and forget about it when we get off the train.
haha.
reached buigs change train to tanah merah then to changi airport.
i got assigned the so called most important piece of luggage.

after that checked in his luggage and then yea we sit down and ate.
shared a subway meal with yuhsin.
first time i try a subway sandwich. haha. not too bad. i still love the cookie better.
talked joked.
oh and yea i got a gift. haha. supposed to be the one giving him a gift but yea.
ever since i have became how thick-skinned i manage to ask for gifts!
while carrying his bag i saw this super cute m&m's star wars thing. then i was asking. what's this.
then he just said "if you want i can give it to you."
sounds really funny the way he says it. cos yea. i just made a passing comment.
haha. end up. of course. i am thick-skinned enough to take it la.
who doesnt want. it's so cute.
it's a m&m's mini dispenser. haha. yoda.
thanks man. so give me face.
but yea. i was kind of bad. didnt get him sthg before he left. really slipped my mind.
sigh.
ok. then after that near the time to board the plane and so. parted ways.
cos of my flu it appeared that my eyes are teary and then. so funny. seems as if crying like that.
haha. how funny la. the other people were asking. how come i crying. i was like no. my flu is making my eyes very teary.
haha. how silly-looking.

after that was very tired. cos hardly wake up so early.
and plus the flu.
was really really tired.
headed home and wanted to try and catc some sleep but by the time i got back. i only had like around 30 mins. before i have to get out again to go tutor.
made myself something hot to drink just so that i might feel better.
end up didnt.
sigh.
i slept on the train la. very tired.

then tutoring.
yea. was sneezing a lot. kept apologising to my student. cos yea i feel like it's not really nice to be passing my germs to her.
then yea it was really nice of her.
after that went back home. cos one other tuition got cancelled.
good thing also.
i wouldnt be in the condition to handle another student also.
then got some stuff around amk central then headed back home.

finished reading the 8th book.
so i am officially crazy. i finished all 8 in a week.
after that really cannot take it and went to sleep.
now awake. and i dont feel any better. what crap.
ok. i gonna sleep a lot tonight.
sigh. i hate it lor. really feel like shit.
cant think any more.

tmr is another day that awaits me. i need to get better. :)

meeting up

today woke up very late.
cos i spent the night reading book.
slept at 4 plus am.
haha. so the lazy bum me woke up late.
nothing to do early in the morning also.
haha.

now.
finished the 7th book.
off to complete my 8th.
how cool is that.
i gonna make a record breaking stunt. reading 8 books in one week.
haha. i can really be labelled a bookworm already.

after that.
met lai hung for dinner.
it's been so long.
i keep telling her since jan. we'll meet up some day when i have the time.
haha.
i am such a horrid procrastinator.
so this promise made since jan came true after 4 months close to 5.
yea. thai express dinner.
very full. and we get to talk a lot. which is good.
then walked around city link raffles city and suntec trying to get her her belated bday gift.
all the walking around. then good thing is really did get her sthg.
haha.
then after that. went to starbucks for coffee.
oh man. i am going to fall in love. fall in love with these kind of relaxing stuff.
sitting in a cafe. sipping coffee. listening to mp3. reading a book. or chatting with a really nice friend.
really had a nice and relaxing time tonight.
at least i would say it is time well-spent. :)